This Thursday, families across America will gather together and discuss what they are thankful for. And since I will be in Las Vegas nowhere near my family, I figure I'd get it out of the way now. Because the only turkeys I'm going to be near on Thursday are the ones I smoke at Texas Hold Em. (Get it, smoked turkey? Badum! Oh, nevermind.)
I am thankful that Michael Jackson could finally be going to jail. I am also thankful that my parents had the sense enough never to send me to hang out at his place.
I am thankful that Sportscenter can be seen 47 times a day. I am also thankful the same can no longer be said for Sister Sister.
I am thankful that Arnold Schwarzeneggar was elected governor of California. And that is a thank you on behalf of all stand-up comedians, humor columnists, and people from states no longer stupider than California.
I am thankful that George Bush may NOT get reelected next year. I am also thankful that I have renewed my passport in case he does.
I am thankful 2004 is a leap year. It gives me an extra day to sleep in.
I am thankful that Paris Hilton's life isn't quite as perfect as it was a few weeks ago because of a stupid choice she made. I am also thankful for DSL.
I am thankful that I didn't get my butt kicked for my Halloween costume. (See column from a few weeks ago, mine)
I am thankful that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are turning 18 soon. Not so that they'll be legal for me, but so that all of the pathetic introverts who don't stand a chance with these Uber-rich twins will quit pretending age is the only thing that prevents them from scoring.
I am thankful to have seen some of the amazing places I've seen in the last few months, and to not live in the others.
I am thankful I will be in Southern California for a month during what could be a terrible winter. Take that, birds.
I am thankful I am not that Cubs fan who touched the foul ball, because that could have been any one of us. Actually, that could only have been people who could afford awesome seats to the NLCS, so really, screw him.
I am thankful for my readers and my audience, because without you what I do would be really pitiful.
I am thankful that they're considering making new episodes of Family Guy so I have new stuff to quote.
I am thankful that of all the physical deformities I could have been born with, my worst problems are pale skin and a small bladder that makes me have to pee a lot.
I am thankful I write in a time where I can use the phrase "have to pee a lot."
I am thankful for my education and the great conversation piece it gives me since I'm not using it at all. "Yeah, I owe $54,000 in student loans and I could have dropped out of high school and done my job. Crazy, huh?"
I am thankful for my family, even though they're crazy. Because none of us have killed each other or stolen from each other or have even been arrested for anything. Yet.
I am thankful I was never stupid enough to ship myself home in a crate, no matter how much I wanted to go there.
I am thankful I have never had a bird crap on me, because I've seen it happen to other people and it looks like it totally sucks.
I am thankful I write in a time where I can use the phrase "had a bird crap on me."
And most of all, I am thankful that I can make a living spending several hundred words a week venting to all of you. Especially when I do it in list form cause that's way easier.