-Hey, how are you doing? Really? Oh my God" I know. Yeah, she's a total slut. Yeah, she gave it to me too. Well, how was I supposed to know she was your sister? Anyways, that's not why I called; I'm actually looking for a girlfriend/sex partner. Do you know anyone? No way man, she wets the bed. Good idea, man" I will make a questionnaire!

-I suppose I should let all you ladies" let me repeat that" LADIES, out there know a little bit about myself before we begin the questionnaire. I am 21 years old, in reasonable health, 6'1", 220Lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, blah blah blah. OK, that's about it for me, now comes your part. It's real simple, just fill out the questionnaire and send it into suxatlife@hotmail.com. If I like the way you respond you'll have a chance to advance to the lighting round, in which you could win a Sony VCD recorder or, if you're really special, a phone call from me (but you have to pay for it).
So, let the questions begin:

-First, some general Questions: Name, Age (must be 18 or older), year of expected graduation.

-1.Would you be intimidated if I had bigger breasts than you?

-2.How much money would say you would be willing to spend on me?

-3.If I showed up at your house with a jar of Vaseline, a live duck, and Polaroid camera, what would you think?
a.Of course, Ill put that duck in your ass and take a picture
b.What a strange way to cook me dinner
c.God, I hope he sticks that greasy duck in my ass and takes a picture

-4.Could your Dad beat me up? (please keep in mind that I used to wrestle in 1997)

-5.If you were my girlfriend, would you object to me eating food off your back if we were doing it doggy style?

-6.WHY? You wouldn't even see me eating!

-7.Please, in 200 words or less, describe your perfect guy.

-8.If you wrote something like, "A kinda lazy comedian who has a little weight problem" proceed to question #9.

-9.Do you have a problem with a guy that only has eight toes?

-10.If we were to become intimate and later you discovered a picture of yourself on the internet, naked, covered in tomato soup, what would you say?

-11.Would your answer be different if I said I would share some of the profits from my website, www.tomatosoupfucker.com?

-12.Complete this sentence: An acceptable penis length is ________ inches. (anything over 4 will be automatically disqualified)

-13.What celebrity do you think I look like most? (If you said that guy from My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, then you can just go and fuck yourself)

-And finally"

-14.Your ideal man is"
a.smart
b.attractive, in shape
c.sensitive, caring, compassionate
d.none of the above

-If you picked "D" for the last question, then I think we would be great for each other. So, just email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and we'll see where this magical adventure might lead! Hey, who knows, you might soon be appearing on the pages of www.tomatosoupfucker.com!

By Streeter Seidell