-Do you know me? Maybe, but probably not. If you did however, you would know that I posses one of the finest beach physiques you have ever seen. You may be wondering, "Street, how did you get such lovely curves and hips like a woman?" Well, it was easy and if you follow my simple plan, you too can have what I like to call the "Streeter Seidell Total Body Transformation."

-Now, spring break is upon us and I bet you wish you had a little better body when you hit that beach last week. I know I used to feel like that. I would think, "Man, I could be fucking way more people if only I could fill out a little bit." Well my friends, I have filled out, and in a big way. I went from a tiny 190 pounds to a healthy 222 pounds in just one short year. Yes folks, with my regimented diet and exercise plan you'll stroll confidently onto the beach next year comfortable with your new "Streeter Seidell" body. Hey, love handles are called that for a reason, because they make people love you and your body.

-The first step is diet. This is very important because it shapes the course for our whole plan. Now, as we all know, red meat is good for you and should be the main staple of our diet. However, is there a limit to how much red meat you should consume in one sitting or period of time? NO! That's the beauty of my diet, no limits. Eat as much as you want whenever you want. Yet, we must remember to include a wide range of foods to keep us all happy. Anything delivered (pizza, Chinese, heroes, drugs, etc" ) is fine so long as nothing green appears with it. We have a little saying here, "Vegetables are for faggots," this helps us remember "problem" foods such as carrots, alvacado, and broccoli. However, if you simply cant live without vegetables, you can cover them in cheese, butter, or mayonnaise.

-I have people come up to me all the time and ask, "Hey Street, how can I get such supple hips?" The trick to what I like to call the "Mormon Man Hip" is no bending. Crafting fine love handles and hips that look like you could pop out 45 full-grown buffalo in a single sitting isn't easy; it's mindless. We all know that side bends and sit-ups are the key to creating an ugly, toned midriff, so we like to avoid that as much as possible. Any act of bending and contorting in these manners should be avoided like a kid from Malibu avoids Compton. However, these bends are hidden in our everyday routines and we barley notice them. Tying shoes, flushing the toilet, and getting out of bed all contain the very same motions used in sit ups and the like. Avoid tying your shoes by tying them once when you first purchase them. This way all you have to do is slip them on and off. Don't flush the toilet anymore as it puts strain on the lower back. Instead, let your roommate do it for you. And finally, do not, under any circumstances, get out of bed the traditional way. Simply slide your way onto the floor and sing that quiznos song ( you know the one with the little rat things) until someone picks you up.

-To mold (notice I say mold instead of sculpt because you don't sculpt Jell-O) those perfect man-tits you've always wanted you actually need to do some work. I call this the Drew Carey method because he pioneered this particular technique. First, eat a lot and have bad posture. This is the foundation for a nice pair of juicy he-blimps. Next, you have to do way more bench-pressing than you should for 3 months and then abruptly stop and let all that new muscle turn to fat. This, if done correctly, should produce a set of Mr. milk-bags that would make Jessica Simpson stare.

-Many of my fans want to know how to get that perfect gut. Well, my friends, this truly is an art. First, you have to determine what classification of gut you want. There are three options: 1. the NASCAR 2. the Goodfella 3. the F.U.P.A. The NASCAR is the traditionally favored gut among southerners and NASCAR (white trash) fans all over the country. It starts with a healthy amount of Coors Original. The Coors is only the base however, a strict regiment of venison, cheap steak, road kill, and any kind of jerky is the finishing touch. Now, to craft the perfect Goodfella, a steady diet of Italian food and red wine is required. This style looks striking when accompanied by a wife-beater a few sizes to small. The F.U.P.A. is a particular anomaly since it can be worn by men and women. Traditionally, the F.U.P.A. (fat upper pussy area) has been a female innovation most seen worn by bus drivers and fat rich ladies at the bank. However, men can wear this style gut to with a slight modification (fat upper penis area). But, only truly huge men can accomplish this feat and if you think that you are ready to take on this task, I suggest a personal consultation and meeting with your truly.

-The final phase in the "STREETER SEIDELL TOTAL BODY TRANSFORMATION" is what I like to call the "chub rub" phase. The transformation is finally complete when your upper thighs rub together when you walk. This is very important in the overall scheme of the program for only then will you see the results of my plan. Nothing can showcase the enormous results of my plan like that dull ache and burn as your two sweaty-ass legs rub together and mutually agree to fillet the skin from each other. That burn, that pain is what tells you my program is really working for you. Now you have it all, the diet, the hips, the gut, and the chub rub.

-So, next spring break, don't be embarrassed when you stroll out on the beach. Invest in the "STREETER SEIDELL TOTAL BODY TRANSFORMATION" and turn your whole life around. Never again hear this, "Hey, you look great, have you been working out?" Never have to fend off throngs of attractive young women again. Don't worry about people wanting to talk to you in the bar or on the beach. From this day forth you can confidently say, "Yes! I have taken control and let my body grow to its full potential. Thanks Streeter." And always remember, mayonnaise is by no means just a condiment, it can be a whole meal. ( Hey Kids, if you think you have the best gut, send me a pic at suxatlife@hotmail.com and I'll write a review of the winner!)