-If you have read anything I have written in the past, you may now realize that I am not that smooth with women. I don't know what it is, I just don't really know how to act around them. I have a friend, who shall remain nameless except that his name starts with a T and rhymes with Tim. With one starry glance his eyes would scream to a woman, "Come hither, for I wish to violate you and play the braggart amongst my friends on the "'morrow."(Yes, I think in a British accent, wanna fight about it??) He is now happy with a girlfriend, but I was always impressed by his ability to snare unsuspecting girls into his web of saliva. This was never for me for however. Lacking T(im)'s raw sex appeal, I have to rely on my wits.

-And now, as I write this, I must tell you all that I happen to be taken with a particular young lady. She is, I must say, quite a beauty and far beyond my range, but I am going to try anyway because, to be honest, I need someone to buy things for. So, here is my new plan for seduction. I think it is very good, and, best of all, you can use it yourself.

-1.Lay the Foundation: The first step is very simple; you must make yourself noticeable to her. Forget what you've learned from television, go with your instincts. Do you have an extra nipple? Show her! Can you fit your entire fist into your mouth? Do it! Do you have a funny nickname like dingle-berry or skid mark? Tell her how you got it! With this, you pique her interest in you and your talents. The stage is set for romance, now we need to find the actors!

-2. Choose Your Lie: No one will like you for who you are. It's a proven fact. "Gee Sally, tell you about me, really? Ok, well, I eat a lot of peanut butter and play X-Box in my underwear instead of going to class. Oh yeah, and one time I pissed on my roommates books in my sleep!" NO NO NO, this will not work. You must invent yourself for her. Try telling little white lies instead of big ones to start out. For example, you may tell her that your father owns %68 of Barcardi Rum. Or perhaps you might tell her that your Mom invented the bobble-head doll. Don't like those, try this; I have a nine inch penis. That one always works. Now, we are ready to get serious.

-3. The First Kiss: This is the most crucial step in any blossoming relationship. It will tell her if you are soft or sweet or a furious sexual beast. Set the mood by putting on some nice music. I happen to have had a lot of luck with hard hitting, underground gangsta rap. Next, make sure she is comfortable on that nice Coors Light inflatable chair you picked up on Spring Break. Maybe, if you're really feeling sexy, do some magic tricks. Nothing makes a lady moan like magic tricks. Finally, go for the gold Champ! Lay it on her thick. Girls like to see how far your tongue can explore her throat. Licking her face a little bit never hurts either!

-4. Going All The Way: You've come this far, why stop now? It's time to do the deed, and by that I mean a little thing we call procreation. Yes, it's a sin, but Jesus will forgive" he always does. Make sure you wear the proper protection. From my past experiences, when I refused to pay, I sustained injuries to my teeth, my shins, and my knuckles. I recommend a mouth guard, shin guards and knee pads. If you're not paying however, a simple and sexy goat intestine condom will be just fine. Because, lets face it, she may be cool now, but she may have been a crack whore in high school. Oh yeah, one more crucial thing; make sure to slap the ass a lot, they love that" trust me.

-I hope you have found my advice worthwhile. It's a surefire way to land that new girlfriend that your other girlfriend won't know about. Wish me luck, my friends, as I embark on that great and terrifying quest known to us as dating. (God, I hope she doesn't read this" that would be horrible" shit)