Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
10 Reasons You're Not Having the Spring Break Hollywood Said You Should
March 12, 2012
It's barely March and you've already managed to spend all the holiday money you received this year. Unfortunately, the 20 dollar check your grandparents sent you on Valentine's Day just isn't going as far as it used to, and you actually just considered adding a zero to the end of it to pad your pocket a bit more. You also don't get how checks work, do you? Or money for that matter since you have absolutely none in your bank account. Of course, you could get a part-time job while going to school to pay for an actual spring break trip, but you probably wouldn't even be able to get time off from work to actually go on the trip.
If, by some miracle, you make it all the way to spring break thinking that the people randomly assigned to live on your freshman hall are actually people you like, you won't continue to feel that way afterwards. The entire trip will be spent passive aggressively suggesting activities that are more fun/cheaper/cleaner/easier to get to/would make for better Facebook albums, while the one guy in your group who is balding prematurely will be in charge of buying beer and bringing it back to your overcrowded motel room because, oh yeah, you're 18.
Ok, this is something that would happen in a movie. Just not to the main character. You'll have an elaborate vacation planned with your best buddies, but then this guy will be an idiot on the first night, and you and he will be written out of the main plot while you take care of him. When you finally reconvene with your other friends, you'll be met with jealousy-inspiring stories, and a request for you to chip in your money for the hotel room that you didn't even get to sleep in.
A free house in Florida?! What your buddy neglected to mention is that the house is actually a bungalow in a gated geriatric community and it is inhabited by his impossibly old grandparents. You think you'll be heading to Jacuzzis, white sand beaches, and Mai Tais, but instead you'll get handicapped showers, Astroturf, and Maalox. The most adventure you're going to have is sneaking downstairs at 10PM (you'll be in bed by 9) to eat a bowl of sugarless vanilla ice cream and watch taped recordings of Johnny Carson on the single worst TV you've ever seen in your life. And you'd better watch out for those creaky floors, grandma is a real light sleeper.
The oft forgotten detail about spring break is that it actually doesn't take place in the spring. It's March. It's still winter. And you decided to go camping. It sounds like the best idea because it's cheap, it's not at your or your friends' parents' house, and there are essentially no rules. Those are the only things you will be thinking about until you actually get to the camp ground and lay your midterm-exhausted body on the unyielding and frigid patch of barren earth you have chosen to be your spring break hotspot.
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