Bing Crosby really screwed with our heads with that "White Christmas" stuff. Snow is not that uncommon in New York, and we only get one or two white Christmases every ten years. It snows even less anywhere on the west coast or in the south, so the only place you'll probably have a white Christmas is Minnesota. And it's nothing special there because they have white Easters too.

I hate how commercialized and over-hyped Hannukah has gotten. As soon as they stroll that giant menorah down fifth avenue to end the Thanksgiving Day parade, I'm like, "crap, another month of dreidels". It gets to the point where if I hear one more Hannukah song on the radio, I think I'm going to lose it.

Whoever invented mistletoe is a genius. But whoever limited its use to one month each year is a cruel bastard.

Despite what most networks want us to believe, not everyone celebrates Christmas. I mentioned to someone that I was staying at school over break, and they asked if I got along with my family so poorly that we couldn't even put aside our differences on the holiest of Christian holidays. "Yeah," I said. "It's pretty rough – apparently, my parents just won't forgive me for being born Jewish."

Each year, there's a new made for TV version of "A Christmas Carroll". This year has Vanessa Williams playing "Ebony Scrooge" in "A Diva's Christmas Carroll" on TNT. It may seem like a dumb idea at first, but all I know is that Vanessa Williams is the Ms. America who lost her crown for posing nude. You're crazy if you think I'm going to miss the Ghost of Christmas past scene.

I'm not one of those people that freaks out every time someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, even though I am Jewish. I want to be merry on December 25th, just like every one else. I just won't be doing it in front of a tree.

The older I get, the more money I have to spend on presents each year. I used to be able to glue some macaroni on a card and my parents would say it's the best present they ever got. Now if it doesn't come with a receipt, no one wants it.

When Adam Sandler first wrote that Hannukah song, I thought it was great to finally have a holiday song for my religion. And then I realized that our songs played 300 times a day are just as annoying.

This year, some senator wrote to the NFL commissioner about postponing the Christmas Eve game between the Titans and the Cowboys, because the players should be home celebrating with their families on the holiest of nights. With all due respect to the senator, I don't the way any of the Dallas Cowboys celebrate can be considered holy.

Every sitcom has a Christmas special – even ones with Jewish characters. You know what show dealt with Hannukah? South Park. So Seinfeld has an edpisode about Christmas cards, and the only representation that Jews get is from an 8-year-old cartoon character that plays with a turd in a little red hat. And they say Jews control Hollywood.

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