It'd be great if you got other things with the same excitement that AOL gives you when you get mail. Like STD results. "Welcome! You've got crabs!" Being drunk is great sometimes because you can say whatever you want and get away with it. But unlike the phone or in person conversations, drunk IM could be really easy to fake. All you need is a program that capitalizes stuff, takes out half of your vowels, and switches every fifth letter to the key next to it. You can get people's screen names using their e-mail address, but most people don't know that, and get freaked if you look them up that way. I bet it was like that when phone books first came out. "You mean there's a huge book with everyone's phone number in it? And all you need to know is their name! My god, technology is incredible! God bless the 1990s!" Almost everyone, at some point or another, quotes a song in their away message, but change the lyrics slightly to apply to what they're doing. Oh, I get it it's been a hard day's night, but instead of just working like a dog, you're working like a dog in the library! How galactically clever! I wish you could pause over the phone like you can on IM. All the time, I'd start a phone conversation with someone, talk to them for five minutes, and then just put the phone down and walk away. An hour later I'd come back and say "Sorry my roommate came in. Gotta run to class!," and then hang up before they could say anything. Like this column? Then buy the book!