Me: Alright Britney, it looks like you're in serious need for some help.

Britney Spears: Naw, it's just the pressure of bein' in the spotlight all the time done got to me. People just need to mind their own business, this is my life ya know?

Me: I'm going to have to stop you there Britney…let's face it. You haven't been in the spotlight for quite some time now. When was the last time you had a CD out?

Britney Spears: Ummm…

Me: Yeah, and when was the last time you had a CD out that was actually good?

Britney Spears: All of –

Me: None of them. Exactly. And really you were a mediocre dancer at best. You were cute, had a decent body, a ahem…nice head of hair but I guess you just don't like nice things.

Britney Spears: See now you're just judging me!

Me: No Britney, I'm not judging you at all. Do you want me to be real with you Britney?

Britney Spears: Sure.

Me: You want me to be real real with you Britney?

Britney Spears: Yes.


Britney Spears: Wh-what?!

Me: I'm gonna break it down for you. Bitch – as in you, you stupid bitch Britney Spears. Are FUCKING craazzzyyy. You're a lunatic, you're psychotic, you're-

Britney Spears: Chaotic?

Me: No. No, you're not chaotic and that was a dumb FUCKING show!
I'm going to give you a run down of every mistake you've made in the past. You ready?

Britney Spears: Please, don't do-

Me: No, no you need to hear this. First, marrying Kevin Federline for no  reason.

Britney Spears: But I loved him!

Me: No bitch you love negative attention!  Then the two of you go through all your shit being on the cover of every magazine every week hogging actual talented celebrities gossip space. Then you put your fucking baby in your lap while you were driving.

Britney Spears: But I'm from the South, we all do that in the South!

Me: I'm from Alabama! I've seen a man FUCK A PIG, but I have NEVER seen a dumb ass parent put her kid in the driver's seat!

Britney Spears: …

Me: So we get that settled. Then you almost drop the baby on fucking concrete!

Britney Spears: I had him secure in my hands!

Me: Then bitch get bigger hands, you can pay for it! So you and K-Fed divorce and you decide you're going to party it up with your fellow friends in fucking – Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

Britney Spears: Now don't be talking about my friends!

Me: They're not your friends. They're your easier ticket to bad publicity. So you show off your cooter – that's fine with me. But god damn that C section scar.

Britney Spears: It's a natural part of most birthings!

Me: And so is wearing panties afterwards. Oh yeah, and not partying with suck fest 07 when you have two kids at home! And then to top it all off. Once we finally think enough is enough….you shave your head bald.

Britney Spears: But I've been through so much stress!

Me: When myself and most of the world goes through "so much stress" we usually just masturbate not say "oh wow, hard day at the office. I should shave my fucking head to take the pain away!" NO BITCH!

Britney Spears: OK so what do you advise I do?

Me: Go to rehab.

Britney Spears: I have been to rehab.

Me: Alright, let me rephrase that. Go to rehab and stay for longer than a fucking night. Oh yeah and never, ever, ever, ever sing or lip sync again. Now get the hell out of my office.