Orientation is a bad name for a week when everyone parties and has no classes. If I've learned anything about orientation week, it's that you're bound to wake up very disoriented.

Why do schools schedule any orientation programs before 10:00 AM? You can't even wake up for class by noon, why would you even think of getting up to hear about the detailed workings of the cafeteria? Especially if it isn't going to be on the final.

My orientation advisor told me that by the end of the week, we'd be very orientated, and that gave me great confidence. Not because I had been nervous about not being orientated, but because I figured if he could pass freshman composition, I'd be fine.

My favorite orientation game is the one where you try to see how many people's names you can forget in one day.

If colleges really knew what students wanted, orientation would be a lot different. First you'd have a quiz on the campus map. Then you'd be issued your fake ID, and given a list of which bars will accept it. You'd receive a syllabus to every class (ranked in order of how much reading there is), and you'd get a brochure about which foods to stay away from in the dining hall. You'd learn how to check your college email, get a tutorial on the first 10 levels of Snood, and find out where all the cliff notes are in the campus library. If all that doesn't prepare you for college, nothing will.

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