I used to think that Easter Island was a whole island filled with chocolate and bunnies, but it turns out that it's just a bunch of mean looking stone faces. Which makes sense, since that's how a lot of my friends describe hanging out with their relatives.

A friend of mine asked me if I had a happy Passover, without realizing it was still going on. Passover is eight days. Hannukah is eight days. Sukkot is eight days. See, we buy everything wholesale.

Good Friday is supposed to be a fast day. Except I found out you get one main meal, and then another small meal to keep you going. That's not fasting – that's Jenny Craig.

Passover is a simple holiday to explain. It's Thanksgiving without bread or football.

I prefer Passover to Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving, some of your relatives will drone on and on for hours about what they have to be thankful for, and why they're all so blessed to have made it another year. That happens at Passover too, but at least there's a script.

I think it's funny when people give up things they don't really enjoy doing for lent, in an effort to trick god. I like to think of a god as someone who can't be fooled into thinking that I'm struggling to end my addiction to homework.

I know an overweight, chain-smoking alcoholic who couldn't come up with anything good to give up for lent. I think she settled on "three years of her life."

In some families, it's Passover tradition to serve both egg soup and chicken soup. Though for the life of me, I can't remember which comes first.

Painted eggs, wicker baskets, chocolate and marshmallows molded in the shape of bunnies and baby chicks? The only rebirth Easter commemorates is that of Martha Stewart's career.

The ten plagues were blood, frogs, vermin, pestilence, cattle death, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and the slaying of the first born. If it weren't for that last one, I'd think I was praying to El Nino.

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