My friends study computer science, architecture, and biology, but they all say they're engineers. You know why writers never say they're engineers? Because we can think of more than one word for "guy who designs stuff."

I was an English major for a bit, and everyone asked me if I intended to use that to work at McDonald's. Hey buddy, when's the last time you heard anyone at McDonald's speak English?

There are three types of people in this world – those who can count, those who can't, and those who think dumb math jokes are funny.

I think people declare majors just so they'll have something to talk about in bars.

Why are there some psychology professors that are shut-ins? If I claimed to understand human nature, I'd know the best way to get a raise, have a date every night, and be able to make anyone laugh or cry with a few choice words. Having a tool for a psych professor is like having a health teacher that smokes.

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