Illustrated by Nathan Yaffe
By Tom Philip
Report Cards Through Life
As a Baby
Grader: My older brother
English: Tom displays little no no knowledge of any word in any language, unless annoying high-pitched wailing suddenly became a language, in which case nobody told me.
Gym: Tom can’t stand up, which stands to reason he’s a cat. However, he failed to land on his feet when dropped.
Theater: Ugh, so much drama.The other day mom left the room for, like, a minute, and he wouldn’t shut up about it. It’s like, hey, Bambi, she’s coming back.
History: Tom has little to no knowledge of anything that has ever happened. He seems to think the President is his Grandpa, and refers to Bob Marley as “Jammin’ Man”, which is both inaccurate and somewhat culturally insensitive.
Chemistry: Tom recently discovered the properties of cereal when combined with the contents of the cat’s litterbox.
At Summer Camp
Grader: Cindy Johnson
Gym: Tom’s sat out of flag football three times, claiming he has “heat blindness”, which I don’t think is a real thing.
Geography: Tom claims to have a girlfriend from Europe, however, when pressed for a country, he named New Zealand then cried for a while.
Biology: Tom has a near-encyclopedic knowledge of frogs, which, I guess, whatever. However, he still believes blowing on an M&M after he’s dropped it in mud will sanitize it.
English: Tom displays an excellent proclivity for storytelling, even if it’s just that one story about the time the teacher farted.
Art: Tom spelled “boogers” with his beans one night.
Losing My Virginity
Grader: Tom Philip
Gym: Tom didn’t need to stop for a drink of water once. Also he has abs.
Geography: Tom has a full and practical knowledge of the most important areas during sex, though in the end they just stayed in the bedroom.
English: Tom didn’t really feel like talking dirty unless she was going to start, but he knew what he would have said and it was hot.
Physics: Tom feels uncomfortable getting into specifics on this one, but let’s just say everything went great and the friction burns were incidental.
Biology: Tom recently had sex and he was very good at it.
Being a Father
Grader: Tyrion Skywalker-Philip
Math: Tom demonstrates an excellent understanding of math when it comes to taxing my allowance. However, he has lapses in his arithmetic memory where the date of my birthday is concerned.
Biology: Tom seems unaware of effects a diet of nothing but Pop Tarts and Ice Tea can have on a child. And a grown man.
Art: Tom has developed a rabid appreciation for the performing arts. Specifically afternoons reruns of sitcoms on TBS and something else he makes me go to bed before.
Geography: Tom claims to have a girlfriend from in town, however, when pressed for an address, he cried for a while.
English: Just look at my Goddamn name. Goddamn it, dad.
English: Tom’s dying words display a good working knowledge of basic structural and grammatical rules, though his hitting on his sister-in-law was admittedly poorly timed.
Biology: Tom’s vital organs shut down with efficiency and with devastating dramatic timing. Textbook.
History: Tom was able to vividly recall every moment he regrets in his life on his deathbed.
Math: Tom had developed sufficient mathematical skills to accurately assume he “didn’t have much time” while he talked to his children.
Gym: Tom has never completed a game of Flag Football