To Whomever it may concern:

It's time for someone to come out and say what everyone thinks about your FourSquare restaurant check-ins and links to the New York Times dining section and iPhone photos of your four-course meals with the captions that say, "Ugh, foodporn… drool lol." Or I guess not "everyone," since it seems there are a half-dozen people who consistently "like" your steady stream of status updates about what you are putting in your mouth at any given moment.

You are not a foodie, you are just a fatty.

I'm still not quite sure what a foodie is. There has never been a situation in which someone referred to themselves as a foodie and I agreed that that was a suitable word, where I said, "Y'know, you're right. You are a foodie. Thanks for telling me that about yourself because now it all really makes sense."

But I can say with near-certainty that I know what the word does not mean.

Foodie doesn't mean someone who asks to finish everyone else's dish at the end of the meal. Foodie doesn't mean someone who can eat a whole box of Krispy Kremes. Baking cookies with a recipe you found on the back of the Toll House Chocolate Chip bag does not make you a foodie. And saying "I'm such a foodie," is not a phrase you can just swap in when you'd normally say, "I ate too much," or "Why did I have that third burger?" or "I hate myself."

No. You — and I'm referring to you, the one who just took the last slice of Domino's pizza; you, the one who is licking melted chocolate off of your Snickers wrapper; you who couldn't stop yourself once you tweeted where you planned on going to dinner, but instead informed us when you were on your way to the restaurant, when you were seated, and then when each course came (will you tell us what it's like on the way out, too?). You are not a foodie. You're just a fatty.