Ah, College
"The Freshman Guidebook"

I decided that to mark my entrance into adulthood, or sophomore year (must…hold in…laughter…), I'd write a guide for freshmen. I was pretty good at being a freshman, so this will be very useful to the new ones this year. Though, it may not be as good for those who can't detect sarcasm.

1. Be your own person. Don't do things because everyone else does them or because it's what people want you to do. Do things because you want to. Or possibly to impress that girl in the fifth row of your biology class whose name you don't know.

2. Change is an important part of college, and you have to accept it. Especially since you won't have paper money. (Keep in mind that even twelve cents can mean the difference between ramen and starving.)

3. Never visit home until you've been at school for a month. The only things your parents ever want to talk about are classes, drinking, and sex. And unless you at least know some midterm information, guess what you'll be talking about the whole time.

4. If something bothers you, go to your friends. Your parents know you better than anyone else, but college misconceptions will ruin their advice. It sucks to tell your parents that you don't know how to do laundry and have them answer, "Maybe you should stop drinking."

5. Don't be the guy who starts swearing just because he's away from authority. There are better ways to annoy your parents. Besides, if you already left home, your parents don't care and you're too late to rebel. That would be like Oregon deciding tomorrow to join up with the other Confederate States of America.

6. College is a different world. There are people from places you've never heard of and people who believe things you can't understand. But you must always be tolerant. Unless it's something really weird, like cannibalism or people who say "LOL" in person.

7. As a freshman, you might not buy books. That's fine, but don't think it makes you any cooler, because most people have done that. It's kind of like bragging to a professor that you're getting an undergraduate degree.

8. Don't schedule a class for eight in the morning. Learning requires a very conscious effort. And trust me, being conscious is one thing you'll have a hard time doing that early in the morning.

9. Keep fun and academics in balance as much as possible. You're in college now, so grades matter. Remember that college is more than just the three-block stretch of buildings between your dorm and the fraternity houses. It's actually more like four blocks.