Dear Black People,

-I need to ask a favor. I'm white and, by definition, un-cool. You see, we white people are not inherently cool, we need to adapt the traits of other cultures much like an evolutionary animal. And, let's face it, you set the standard for what is cool in this country and we (white people) need to follow that standard if we want to achieve any semblance of hipness. I liken the relationship between black people and white people in this country to chicken.

-There are two types of meat in a chicken: white meat (white people) and dark meat (black people). The dark meat has its own flavor. It is rich with taste and texture" just like black people. The white meat has no inherent flavor of its own, but it can adopt any flavor it chooses" just like white people. Thrown on a sprinkle of FUBU, a dash of hip hop, and a pinch" just a pinch of slang and your white meat could be tasting like dark meat in no time. The only difference would be the color. And just like with white and black people, the dark meat's flavor is already there so it takes no time to aquire. The dark, adopted flavor of the white meat will take longer to marinate, which explains why you still see white people wearing overalls with one strap undone like it's 1991.

-So, with this in mind, black people please slow it down. I am getting confused. Is "Hey Ya" by Outkast still cool? I don't know whether to shake it like a poloroid picture or brush my shoulder off? Can I still pop my collar? I don't know what's fly or what's phat. And I cannot for the life or me tell if that biotch is a chicken head or just a ho?

-How will I know if I'm trippin' or just straight clownin'? Is it still good to be bad? Is it still hurt if it's bad? Are my dubs dope or chunky? Should my whip be low ridin' or chromed out? When I adorn my dome piece should it be with Ice or Bling? If I go to jail am I in the pen or the kit kat? If I'm just kickin' it in my crib, should I call up my dawgs or my hommies?

-When I'm having sex am I just ridin' this bitch or tearin that ass in half? And speaking of ass, is it better to have a pudunkadunk (sp) or a bangin' booty? Am I a honky or a craka? And, finally, is P. Diddy still cool? I mean, he has his own show and shit???

-As you can see, I am supremely confounded by all these new words and such. I know we have had a checkered past, but I'd like to think we can look past that. Let's live together in harmony after all these years. And, being that the root of all relationships is communication, we must establish a common vocabulary with each other. The way I see it, you are at least 6 months ahead of us in coolness. Can you possibly put a halt on all new words and mannerisms for that amount of time so we can catch up? Who knows, maybe then we can collaborate on new cool things. Hey, we can be cool too, we invented the rock and roll" oh wait, no we didn't. But we invented jazz" oh, nope, not that either. Well, there's always the blues" damn! Did we invent anything coo" dope?