I met her on a fine winter day
in the hallowed halls of education.
With a grace to her step, in my dreams she did play
as fixture of my masturbation.

As time went by, so the story goes,
things began to blossom.
But this budding love which I chose,
its death I was to hasten.

It could have been my friendly nature
that blew my chances quick.
Or it may have been her weak composure;
The thought of my naked body making her sick.

I knew not how deep this feeling ran
and if I did, I would have cried
She seemed to be my biggest fan
so, for a relationship, I tried and tried.

It might have been fate, karma or destiny
coming back to bite.
But this girl had got the best of me
and I knew something wasn't right.

It all seemed too good
for a guy like me.
So, after movies, drinks and food
I figured I would see.

As I leaned in for a kiss
underneath the moon, big and red
I saw her jump and heard her hiss
"What the hell are you doing?"she said.

"I want a kiss, I was thinking,
under this moon, big and red."
She looked at me as if I had been drinking
and this is what she said.

"How do I put this?
I don't know what to say.
I never thought you wanted to kiss
Because I thought that you were gay
I guess I was wrong
But that doesn't change the fact
That I don't want your dong
Coming anywhere near my snatch.
I just wanted a friend
And not a relationship.
Someone to love me till the end
But not to touch my tits.
Plus, I like your friend Matt
Do you think you could hook me up?
He's smart and sexy and not fat.
He's the guy I want to fuck.
I didn't want to hurt you
But that's the way it goes.
If I was on a desert island and you were there too
Then I guess" who knows?
This isn't how I
Wanted this amazing night to end.
But if it's a relationship you wanted (sigh)
I'll always be your friend."

It was not by choice I played my cards
The stupid way I did.
I suppose that it's just hard
For a funny, ugly kid.

So, for all of you with romance on your mind,
make sure it's plain and known,
that the worst fate you should find
is trapped here in the friend zone.

for Heather