Dear My Cartoon Animal Print Boxers,
-It is time for you to go. Now, don't get me wrong, I still like you guys. I mean, how could I not? We've been through so much together and you guys were always there for me. I mean, there was Annie and Julia and Diane, Katie, Sharon and Nora. Plus, you definitely helped me to get over the loss of my spider man tighty whities, but the time has come to let you guys go too.
-Let me explain. You guys mostly came from my girlfriends. It seems that when Christmas and my birthday rolled around they could not think of what to get so they thought, "I'll just buy him some animal print boxers!" But now I have about 20 pairs of you guys and, well, I'm growing up. It's not that you're not comfortable or funny, it's just that I need to present a more professional image in the bedroom.
-When/if I am with a young lady and we become intimate, I need some kind of undergarment that shows my alpha male status. On countless occasions, the heat of passion has been cooled by the appearance of penguin-themed boxer shorts.
-"What are those?" she would say. Forced to explain myself, I would revert to a lie.
-"Oh, these" it's laundry day and these were all I had." I would grimace. If only she had known the awful truth, she could have opened my underwear drawer and found dozens of cartoon prints and patterns just like the penguins: Monkeys on skis, birds swimming, foxes riding horses, ducks driving in cars, the list goes on.
-What kind of image do you guys present in the bedroom? Is it one of confidence? No. Is it one that says "I'm going to give you the best night of your life"? NO. Is it one that says, "I can go potty all by myself"? NOOOO! It is time for you to go! I'm sick of looking like a pre-pubescent child in the bedroom because of you guys. All you do is hide the raging man meat behind your cartoon tom foolery. The heat of that meat must be expressed outwardly by my underwear selection, and you are not cutting it anymore.
-Who will replace you? Well, there are so many choices out there (bikini cut, thongs, plain boxers, cardboard box" ), but I have decided that boxer-briefs is the road I will be heading down. Of course, they will be one solid color and completely devoid of cartoon animal printing. Sure, you guys were expensive and mostly came from J. Crew and The Gap, but no matter how much you cost, I can't have you around anymore.
-Yeah, it's sad to see you guys go, but there is a whole new generation of kids out there that need you; 8th grade boys getting their first awkward hand job, 13 year-olds with no bathing suit, and young girls looking for a birthday present for their new boyfriend. As for you guys specifically, you will be going to Goodwill and will get years more use on some homeless guy. Only, he will wear you on the outside of his pants.
-I hope you understand that I still want to be friends, I just can't wear you anymore. I'll miss you, my cartoon animal themed friends.