There's so much love in the world" it's time to get rid of it. Why waste your time talking about how much you love everything when there is so much good stuff to hate? This world was no built by people hugging each other, was it? Well, I don't know, but hate certainly gets better results than love. So, I submit to you, my loyal 5 readers, a short list of people I hate. (if you want to send me one of your own hate lists, please do: email email@example.com)
1.The Curious Classmate: Picture this; you're sitting in class with two minutes to go. You're antsy. You tap your feet and drum your fingers. You watch the clock as it slowly ticks off the last 120 seconds of class. Then your professor utters those dreadful words, "Does anyone have any questions?" And that is when The Curious Classmate lets fly. Basically, this kid will waste everyone's time by asking question after question until class is running ten minutes over time. Hey asshole, the class was not designed for you alone. This is not a personal Q&A session for your stupid ass. If you have a goddamned question, do what normal people do; ask the professor after class shithead. Don't waste my time just because you're too stupid to comprehend what our teacher is saying, you stupid shit" I hate you.
2.The Tough Guy: I used to be a bouncer and I hated it. By the design of the job, you have to be a dick to everyone, sadly. Now, being a dick for money is almost OK, but just being a dick is not cool at all. You know who you are, Mr. Tough Guy. This guy will get in everyone's face at a party or bar just because he has something to prove. He'll push you out of the way at the keg, scream really loud to his friends across the room, try to hit on your girlfriend, etc" Hey buddy, what do you have to prove? Do you have some small penis issues you need to get out of the way? I bet you drive a really big truck, don't you? I should hand you a vicious beating, you dumb asshole" I hate you.
3.Shy Pierced Girls: What's that Melissa? You have pierced nipples? Can I see them? What do you mean, "no"? This is a big pet peeve of mine; girls that have nipple rings that wont show them to you. Of course, you go out and tell everyone about them and how cool they are, but when I ask to see them, you get all offended. What's wrong with you? Why would you drive metal spikes through your mammeries if you're not willing to share them with the world? I have a tattoo. Do you want to see it? You see, I'm not going to hide the ways in which I have mutilated my body from you, so why should you hide them from me? It's the same thing as when someone says to you, "I know someone who likes you." But then won't tell you who it is. It's just mean. Take that shirt off and let me stare at those spiky nips, you bitch" .I hate you.
4.Dream Weavers: "Oh my god, dude, I had the weirdest dream last night." Really? I don't give a shit! Why do people feel that I want to hear about their stupid dreams? I mean, all a dream consists of is your brain's syntax sending random images to your eyes" or some shit like that. Therefore, dreams have absolutely no meaning and, furthermore, I do not wish to hear about how, "my aunt was this, like, spider thing, but it was really James Earl Jones even though it looked like my aunt and then the spider thing was, like, living in my friend's bedroom but it was really my bedroom and" " SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE! Unless you are a young lady and your dream involves some kind of sex + me scenario, I don't want to hear about it" I hate you.
5."I'm Rick James Bitch": Oh god, can we give it a rest yet? Yes, Dave Chapelle is one seriously funny man and, yes, he has created some memorable phrases on his show. But these were not intended for big, white frat guys to scream at each other in bars. Do you realize that you sound absolutely nothing like Dave Chapelle when you say that? Sure, I said it for a little bit, but then I realized what a shit I sounded like, so I stopped and my life has been infinitely better since. One of my professor's was on Chapelle's Show the other night in the "I Know Black People" skit. Even he says it is getting annoying. You are not a black comedian with his own show. You do not look like Dave Chapelle. You do not sound like Dave Chapelle. No, you are not Rick James, bitch. You are Todd Hamilton from Fortune, Nebraska. Deal with it" I hate you.
(remember, send me a hate list so I can compile a second edition of this article at firstname.lastname@example.org)