-A few days ago, I wrote a short list of people I hate. It was lighthearted, humorous, and undignified. In that issue, I asked you to write me and tell me about the people who you hate. Now, I figured I wouldn't be hearing much from you guys since you all seem so nice" but I was wrong. All of you are full of hate and I love it! Thank you all for showing me that what beats inside you is not a big, red, muscle coursing with love" but a small, black, shriveled stone raging with hate.
-So, here they are, my reader's favorite people to hate! (since you guys seem to like to hate people, keep the hate lists coming to email@example.com and we can do more issues like this!)
-Reader Ashleigh F. really hates: The Un-hot chick: This girl is everywhere. She is in extreme denial that she does not have a J-Lo ass, and that her fatness does not qualify as "phatness." She wears her shirts two sizes two small, her lowrider jeans halfway down her ass, all so her size 3X thong can be thoroughly exposed for gentlemen to see. Her attitude is generally bitchy toward smaller females, and is commonly found slobbering cherry-red Wal-Mart lip gloss all over the dudes at her school. You know, some of us are just able to embrace our differences in body and in beauty. Instead, you give a bad name to all chunky girls by masking your insecurities with your defense mechanism of dressing as a ho. Then, you get all pissed and think the dudes hate you because you're ugly or fat. It's the personality that's truly ugly, sister; and your leopard-print lycra pants do not help your situation. I hate you.
-Ashleigh also hates: The Too-Cool-For-Teach: This kid is in every one of my classes, it seems. He is not tough, or big, or powerful in any way, but he simply has a problem respecting any kind of authority. He attends every class, but only so he can give a nasty attitude to the professor, perhaps in an attempt to impress his classmates. It never works, but he goes on to act like, "Hey, I'm too cool for you guys, too" So I don't care if you're not impressed." The TCFT is a dick to professors, campus security, his hall director, and everyone who gets paid to boss someone around. This kid seriously lacks social skills and does not understand the nature of conversation. It's as if he thinks his life is a T.V. show, where he says cool catch phrases, and his audience simply reacts to him. Yeah, you really don't care what I think, do you? If you're trying to convince me that you truly don't care, that you're not going to put effort into anything in life because no one will ever understand how cool you are, then why CARE enough to put so much EFFORT into proving your position?? If Dr. Hughes supposedly can't control you, then why do you show up to each of his classes and submit every bit of homework? Stupid fuck. I hate you.
-Reader Kevan H. really hates: The Follow-Up Questioner.
This is the classmate who you know will always ask at least two follow-up questions to the questions they ask. Its kinda like, hey this isnt your own personal learning session, there are 80 other kids in this class who want this guy to get through his lecture so we can go home and start working on today's 30 pack of Beast.
-Kevan also hates: The Beer Counter
This is the shitbrick who feels it necessary to keep track of how many beers all 37 people at the party are drinking. That way he can feel proud when it takes him more beers to get drunk than the 97 pound sorrority girl. Hey if i could get drunk off a 6pack, id be a lot less poor than I am now. Nobody really gives a shit how many Keystone Lights you can put away, just shut the fuck up, get drunk, and have fun.
-Reader Emily really hates: Post-Sneeze Competitors: I don't know if you have come in contact with anyone like this, but in my Philosophy class it has almost become a race to see who can say "God Bless You" first/loudest. There's one girl in particular, who seems almost cannibalistic about it, and I'd bet money that she's blessed more people than the Pope. It's distracting, because directly after her piercing shout, I'm forced to spend atleast twenty minutes contemplating her demise. If she really wanted to help she should distribute tissues, a silent act that does NOT wake me from my in-class nap. I hate her.
-Emily also hates: Texans who love Texas: I've never been to Texas, and I don't want to. First of all, anyone with a Texas accent sounds slow, no two ways about it. I hail from the North-East, and I need to talk fast, and a lot. I can't stand around all day listening to somebody drawl, especially about rodeos or ten gallon hats, and everything else that makes Texas "so great". And don't they know that playing the George W. Bush card does not work in their favor? I've encountered more than my fair share of these cowboys, and all I have to say is this: if Texas is so great, then why the hell are you in Connecticut? I hate them.
-Reader Mike R. really hates: Poets: Yes, life is pain. Yes, your mother abandoned you at a young age, and your father spends all his time masturbating to pictures of John Goodman with a jar of mayonnaise (not even Miracle Whip" regular fucking mayo). And yes, your life sucks. But y'know what? Everyone else has the same problems (or was the John Goodman thing just my dad?). Your pretentious ramblings mean fuck all to me and most others with a brain stem connecting their gray matter to the rest of their body. If you've got to bitch, then be like everybody else and just bitch. There's no need to do it in stanzas. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all poets and all poetry readers. Especially dead, popular poets (note: I may just be bitter because I'm in the middle of a paper on some crappy poetry).
-Mike also hates: Name-Droppers: You know who I'm talking about. Those people who are moderately famous for knowing the sister, or dog, or dog's sister of someone who is moderately more famous. These people always feel compelled to bring up this dubious relation because their stories aren't interesting enough unless they've got that certain flair of "I still don't give a crap" to them. On the plus side, if you're forced to endure the idiot ramblings of a name-dropper, at least you don't have to pretend to give a shit about their pathetic lives. It really is a shame that society frowns upon spitting in someone's face every time they pull this crap. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all those who's lives have to be justified by someone else's. Especially my American Lit professor.
-And finally, I think Mike R. sums up this last one for all us men out there
-Mike R. hates: Pretty girls: Not just any pretty girls either. The spectacular uber-pretty girls who just know they're all that. No, I will not supplicate to you. No, I will not be your bitch boy just because you have a nice rack. And, for the last time, I will not buy you a fucking drink. The world has given you enough, and it's high time you started giving back. I'll take payments in the form of oral sex and/or you just shutting the fuck up about your highlights for 15 seconds. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all the absurdly gorgeous women I've either nailed or tried to nail (and those ones I haven't attempted yet). Especially Leigh Ann from work the other night. (yeah Leigh Ann, why don't you just be cool to Mike, you big bitch!)
-I want to thank my readers for sending me these hate lists. I've had agreat time reading them, and, for all you with hate on your mind, send me a list (firstname.lastname@example.org) and you might see yourself up here soon.
-NOTE: I take no responsibility for anything my readers say. Nor do I take responsibility if they speled wurds rong or used, in'corekt gramner?