-Hello, ladies. I have something to ask of all of you, if you wouldn't mind that is. Will you stop being my friends? Let me sketch it out for you, I don't need anymore attractive female friends. Just look down the register; there's Vanessa, Deidre, Jeanne I, Jeanne II, Kara, Jamie, Gillian, Tina, plus a ton of others. I'm pretty well stocked for attractive female friends. And that is just the problem.

-You see, when you are funny, women flock to you. But not for sex" .no, they want entertainment. And I don't have any problem providing them with it. Plus, every now and then, these friendships lead to such entertaining events as "I can change in front of you", "Will you grab my boobs and tell me if they're big", and, of course, my favorite, "vagina inspector." Ahhh, the times we've had. But my hot girl friend quota is all full now.

-It seems like every time I go out, I meet some friend of a friend who is very attractive. We end up talking for a while and I start to really get into her. She always seems (note the "seems") to like me too. So, naturally, I get excited and really try to lay it on thick. "You're definitely the prettiest girl at the party," "a Politics major? God, you're so smart," and, the unbeatable, "Hey, wanna touch me inappropriately?" It is at this point that the girl always seems to grow a little uncomfortable. She will fidget, laugh nervously, and, for all I know, sneak out a fart as a defense mechanism.

-Of course, this is where the story will end as she will go to "fill her drink" and come back with another friend. But, here is the funny part, since (other than me hitting on her) we had a great and funny conversation, she will immediately become my friend. She will call me to talk and want advice on her relationships. IT'S HELL and I'm sick of it.

-So, to all the hot girls out there that want to be my friend, just stop it! How do you know that I am not the best lover in the world (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I am not filthy rich (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I am disease free (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I don't like my ex (unless you talked to me, of course)? What I am trying to say is, give me a chance to do you" wait, that came out wrong. I mean, I can be more than a friend; I can be a very compassionate boyfriend.

-Now, to all the guys stuck in my situation with me, I say this; fuck it. What can we do about it? Nothing. Every now and again, some sick, deranged, twisted shit of a girl will come along who finds a sense of humor sexy and she will pleasure your dirty parts. But those are few and far between. Now, I have been living this life for a long time, at least since I got pubes, and there is one piece of advice I can send out to all you lonesome guys: You lose some, you lose some and then you pleasure yourself. Now, someone get on this pink rocket-ship before it explodes.