One big difference you might notice the first few weeks of college is that the dating scene practically disappears. This may seem cool at first, but random drunken hookups never happen quite as often as you want them to, and more often than not they happen with the overweight friend of the girl you really want. I don't know about anyone else but I don't like having my first dates at a frat house with all the brothers trying to hit on the same girl I'm after. And I don't like that holding some hammered girl's hair back as she pukes in some bushes by her dorm is the new way to be "romantic." If you ask me, I think what every college girl needs is a good old fashioned first date. And if you've already forgotten how those work, then you're in luck. In my experience I've learned that a good first date basically comes down to about 4 components, maybe 5 if you get the first 4 right wink. So, without further ado, let me present to you "Jake's Foolproof Plan for a Sweet First Date"
1. Dinner: You're probably thinking you should take her out for a nice fancy Italian dish. WRONG! That's a total rookie mistake, girls love cheeseburgers, they all do. If she tells you she's a vegetarian just say you got her a veggie burger, then later reveal the awesome truth. She'll probably think it's hilarious. When its your turn to order kindly ask the waiter what the most expensive thing on the menu is, once he answers say, "That sounds good, I'll have two." At the end of dinner I tend to think the girls like you to tell them how expensive the meal was, just so they know you're packing some serious cash. Also, sneak in just how large a tip you're leaving. Girls like a generous guy.
2. Movie: Let's go with something artsy. A foreign film even, the kind with the English subtitles on the bottom. Before the previews start I like to engage in conversation by telling her about my SAT scores, padded ever so slightly, and informing her of how many Polo shirts I own. If by some stroke of bad luck she says that her SATs are higher than yours simply change the number. i.e. "Did I say 1350? I meant 1500." This will undoubtedly evoke some skepticism from your date, but don't worry, just vehemently swear to God that you meant to say 1500 and she'll leave it alone.
3. Dessert: How about ice cream? Use this time to gab about the movie a little, what you liked and didn't like. I usually like to talk about how the leading actress was "sooo hot", or compare myself to the main male actor, only I suggest that I'm probably better looking and I should have, in fact, been cast for the part rather than him. Not that I have a lot of acting experience, or any at all, but I just think I'd be a sweet actor.
4. Leisurely Stroll: The last leg of your date will require a quaint yet romantic stroll through town or around campus. During this walk I like to display my aerobic ability by doing a few cartwheels, I then engage my date to try a few as well, of course I make sure to tell her that mine are better and that she looks like a drunk monkey. If conversation begins to lag, just ask her, "Where do you summer?" You can space out now until she returns the question, now you say, "Wherever the hell I want." Yeah, that sounded awesome.
Finally, walk your date to the front door of her dorm while telling her what a great time she must have had, once there you may get that mesmerizing first kiss" but if, instead, you get the veer off at the last second kiss on the cheek, the double armed hug, or God forbid, the high five, always play it cool. And take it from someone who has gotten more than a few lines like, "I'll call you sometime!" as they hastily vanish though the doorway, somehow forgetting to take down my number. The double-armed hug, hell, even a one-armed hug, is a great start for a first date. So next time you're standing outside some hot girl's dorm, basking in the glow of your dating triumph, don't forget who got you there: me. You're welcome.