-Being a Catholic, I have been ingrained with the Jesus mantra for a long time. I always knew that he died on a cross to save me, he could turn water into wine and that he could fly. It all sounded so good to me until, that is, the other day.-You see, the other day it was Easter, one of my favorite days. My whole life I would be woken up by my little sister and hurried downstairs to find Easter eggs and eat chocolate. But, the older I grow, the more I find this holiday is all about Jesus" and I don't like it. And when you start to think about it, Jesus is one greedy dude.-Let's begin at the beginning" of the universe and everything we know, that is. Jesus up and claims to be not only God's son, but God himself. Plus, he says he's also his own brother; only people from the deep south could work out all of Jesus' relations to himself. -Now, being that he is also God, Jesus inadvertently claims he made the universe, all the animals, elements, and heavenly bodies. AND, he says he did it all in six days! When scientists say that it took billions and billions of years to make the universe as it is today, JC just kicks back, cracks a beer and says, "losers, I did that shit in six days and you know what? On the seventh day, I kicked it with my boo in my crib."-So, JC wants the cred for the universe" fine. Because, to be honest, I don't know who else could have made it. I mean, Mohammed was still a few thousand years off and Buddha" don't even get me started on Buddha
would it kill him to call when he's going to be coming home late? -Anyways, I'll give the ol' messiah props for the world, but now he wants Sunday's too? I mean, yeah, so he died on a cross to save us, but c'mon, lots of people have died trying to save us" have you ever seen "Simon Birch?" No? Well, just because you got yourself strung up that doesn't mean I have to give you EVERY Sunday. Sure, a Hail Mary here, a bite of Jesus in wafer form there, and an occasional drinking of the Christ's blood" but every Sunday? C'mon Jesus, you know what I do on Sundays; yeah, it's a sin, but we all need a release every now and then.-As if the Sunday thing wasn't enough for Mr. Ego, he tries to horn in on everyone else's holidays too. Easter used to be about celebrating the Easter Bunny's birthday; that great bringer of diabetic comas. In honor of his birthday, the Bunny would secretly roam your house and yard and, by some great mystery, lay the colored eggs of a chicken. But then Jesus makes up this crazy story about how, "Hey, you know what" I came back to life on that day" so you should honor me then too!" At first people were skeptical, "But this is the Easter Bunny's day?" they would say. But after a while, the Bunny got phased out and now people think that he's just some marketing concoction. It's very sad.-And let's not forget that the same thing happened on Christmas too. Who is more deserving of our love than Santa? Jesus? No way, JC says that we shouldn't do all this stuff that is really fun and feels really good. Santa, on the other hand, just comes around and rewards us with earthly indulgences. But, here comes JC again with his crazy stories; "I was born on December 25th" there was a star and stuff and a manger and three wise men" it was intense" did you guys know that? You should probably go to Church on that day and think about me." Great, here we go again. Santa spends all year" all year in the North Pole making toys. THE NORTH POLE! It's goddamned freezing up there. And what is the purpose of his year-long exile? To bring you toys. Santa has one day to shine" one day to be honored, and who tries to steal his fire? You guessed it, Jesus.
-I'm not mad at Jesus. I still think he's a cool guy. I mean, you wouldn't see me up on that cross ("You want me to do what, God? Die for these people? You gotta be fucking kidding me, right?") I just want him not to be so greedy. So, Jesus, we love ya, but you're just coming on a little strong. Let someone else have the spotlight for Christ's sake (that doesn't work). Let people have their own holidays. Who's next, Martin Luther King Jr.? Lincoln? Mr. Valentine?