Yeah, That'll Happen #4
My Twentieth Birthday, September 11 2003


Alright, the long anticipated birthday edition. This is the one where I bitch at how people are always saying, "Your birthday is September 11th? That sucks!" Hey buddy, it was pretty darn good the first 17 times or so.

Birthdays are a lot of fun. Especially when you get to go out to dinner and when people bring you gifts without being asked to. My friend Jane took us out to dinner for her birthday over the summer. The fact that she was paying for dinner suggests that I can't say, "My presence is a gift". And that line works so well too.

Twenty. The big two oh. No longer am I a teenage, but a much more mature twentysomething. I'm an adult. I vote, pay FICA, have illegitimate children all over the country under assumed identities. Yet I'm a child. I'm in school, I'm immature, I can't buy alcohol, I have illegitimate children all over the country under assumed identities. Tough call. I think what puts me onto the adult side is that I live in a house. Without my parents! But they pay for it.

My roommates (not housemates) are throwing me a party this weekend. I love these guys. Where else but college can you find seven other guys dumb enough to agree to live in a house together? They came through in fine style, and agreed to get two kegs for my birthday bash. And the best part is, we've only been inviting girls. Girls are always asking, "Can I bring a friend?" My response: "Is this friend female?" Hey, once bitten, twice shy.

I feel so responsible when I try to make something that doesn't have eggs as a main ingredient, and when I get wheat bread instead of white. White bread just seems rather" elementary. Is there a more annoying thing than bread ends? I'm gonna make it a house rule, the first person that opens the bread bag has to throw away the top end piece. Otherwise it just sits there, and everyone reaches their grubby hands past it, and at the end, you've just got the 2 oldest pieces of bread in the bag. At least your sandwich will match.

Living in my own house is probably the most amazing thing I've done my entire college career. Except for the one time last semester when I made out with 2 girls at the same time. But I get to cook for myself, and clean for myself, and make myself go to class. Wait, that sucks a little. I do enjoy scrubbing the shower half-heartedly so that I still have to wear shower sandals and use my tote from freshman year. It's a grownup thing.

I hate kids nowadays. They're too loud, too spoiled, and too all over the fucking place. You know its time to leave the party when a bunch of girls say, "You're gonna be a junior? Me too! Oh wait, you're a junior in college???" Yeah, that's great honey, here's my number, call me in 2 years.

Years. That was a weird thing to get used to when I first started college, hanging out with people of different ages. Hey freshmen, the correct question is "what year are you", so you don't get answers like "um, I'm in fifteenth grade".

Kids today lack discipline. Incoming freshmen dudes are a bunch of jackasses who think they're way cooler than you. Really buddy? I'm not the one trying to get into the party with 5 dudes in tow. And when back in the day means "Remember MarioKart 64?" as opposed to "du du du du du DU du" (the Mario theme song), I get a little upset.

Our cartoons addressed more pertinent issues, didn't sugarcoat anything, and prepared us better for life. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a very good example by showing us the gritty underworld of Manhattan's sewers and the bodacious side effects of the ooze. Cartoons showed us what our friends would be like. Raphael the brooding alcoholic, Leonardo, your perpetual wingman, Donatello, the nerd, and Michelangelo, the social disaster. Together they formed the perfect guy social structure. Spongebob who? That guy's a little too Queer Eye For The Straight Guy if you ask me. Also, he's a fucking sponge.

Kids today are soft. They have the internet to blame for this. Ask any of them if they know the rules to wallball. Or 4-Square, or even freeze tag. Can they ride a bike? What pisses me off the most about kids today is that no matter how dumb they get, they'll never be illiterate, thanks to AIM. I mean, that's how we used to distinguish who was smart and who wasn't. There was the kid who couldn't read in 3rd grade, and the kid who couldn't hold a pencil correctly. That's real stupidity!

The worst part about all these youngsters as a whole is that they're all getting old enough to get into clubs. They've ruined clubs for me. You go with a bunch of girls (score, kinda) and then you spend the first 20 minutes walking around the dance floor finding a spot where some punks haven't already spilled beer or puked. The girls finally find a place they like next to the speakers, but then decide to leave, not because my eardrums are leaking out of my head, but because some guys were dancing up on them. Isn't that what happens in clubs, dancing? Or is it just a place where people go to complain about how crowded it is and how much it sucks and how long it takes you to get a beer at the bar? I have no idea.

You know what I need? A radio that jumps to your favorite song when it comes on. Or an MP3 player. An expensive one, because I have a spending disorder.

I had a date the other day. I was concerned that I wasn't clever enough, and that I wouldn't have enough conversation for dinner, so we just did the movie thing instead. It could've been worse. We could've been at a restaurant, and she's talking, and The Simpsons are on the TV right behind her, and Homer does something dumb, and you laugh, only to realize that she just told you her grandmother just had a stroke. That's a good time to ask for a second date.

When you call a girl up, and the first thing she says is, "Do you remember what you said to me last night?" it's usually something really really good, or really really bad. Unless you're me, then there's only one answer.

Do bulletproof vests stop knife attacks? They seem kinda pointless if they don't. I've always wanted to ask a cop that, but" you know, I'm liable to get shot.

I got a new faceplate for my phone the other day. As I was changing them, I realized that my phone looks pretty sweet when it's unarmored. Like the Terminator, only not a killing machine, or running for governor.

Ok, the Subway diet only works if you get the small 6 inch subs that are 7 grams of fat or less, and only if you exercise daily. Not if you're 300 pounds, getting two of the footlong Philly Steak & Cheese subs, and doing the 3 for a dollar cookie deal. Fat ladies these days.

I hate those douchebags who tell me about Webtender every time we throw a cocktail party. "Hey man, you should look up drink recipes on Webtender." "Hey man, this Long Island sucks, I found a better recipe on Webtender." Dude, fuck you, and stop drinking my liquor.

It feels good to finally be back at school. At Penn State, we've got a tradition in the bathrooms where we let the alums pee first in the trough. Actually, I think the old guy just told me that to cut in line.

You know those novelty restaurants, where they've got some cute names on the bathroom doors instead of "Ladies" and "Gentlemen"? I can never tell which door to go through from the androgynous picture on the wall, and when I walk in, it's me with my fingers crossed, "Please let there be a urinal. Please let there be a urinal." Dammit.



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