Dear Mary-Kate,

-Seriously MK, why haven't you written? Don't you know bout me yet? I have a minor internet celebrity status" is that not good enough for you? I work my ass off dreaming up funny things to write for you, but do you show any appreciating back? NO!

-Why won't you acknowledge me? Is it because you have more money than I do? I'd like to think that you're not concerned with such matters, but maybe you are. You know, I make a respectable wage for a 21 year-old. Sure, I didn't own my own production company at 8, but I used to work as a landscaper? If that doesn't say work ethic, I don't know what does.

-So, why haven't you written? I mean, you're going to be in New York City next year and so am I! I could show you around, explain the intricate subway and bus system, and maybe be your new best friend. Who would make a better best friend than me? I'm compassionate, I listen, I'm funny, and, best of all, I'm completely sexually unappealing so you don't have to worry about falling in love with me!

-Yet, the burning question remains; why haven't you written me? I mean, my email address is at the bottom of this page somewhere" it wouldn't be that hard to type out a quick hello, would it?

-I bet it's that damn sister of yours; always telling you what to do. I bet she says I'm just some chump who wants to milk your fame for all it's worth. I bet she reads my column and goes, "what a tool, I would never let my sister write an email to him." I'm serious when I say this, you should go solo. Ashley, who does have her charms, is amateur at best. I just feel that you could be doing some edgier stuff. Maybe even a nude scene or two (once you reach the proper age of course).

-I'm sorry if I got angry there. It's just that when I settle in to watch a nice Mary-Kate movie, Ashley is always messing up all your scenes. I didn't go to Blockbuster and pay $5 to watch her drag down your performance. I didn't run the risk of looking like a pedophile for Ashley" I did it for you, MK.

-And what can you do for me? You can get off your golden sofa and write me an email! Better yet, why don't you come say hi? I live in the Bronx (that's the borough of New York City with all the drugs and crime), so it's not that far away. You could take one of your helicopters up here and pick me up! So, listen MK, don't let Ashley pull you down or keep our friendship from blossoming. If you're reading this, just write me an email. Thanks, Streeter Seidell

-(ATTN: if you are Ashley Olsen, please replace the word "Mary-Kate" with "Ashley" and the word "Ashley" with "Mary-Kate")