-OH MY GOD! GET DOWN!!! It's another edition of the famous Hate List coming atcha! Yes, I know it has been just a few short days since our last ranting, but there seems to be quite a lot of hate coming from you guys, so I felt another edition was due. But why waste time telling you about all of that, here comes the hate train, right on time.-MINE: -The Hulk: Also know as Mr. Beer muscles, this idiot has to show off how strong he is whenever he is drunk. OH, look at you, you can pick up the keg all by yourself! Now, do me a favor and drop it on your fucking head! Oh wow, aren't you just the bell of the ball because you picked up the couch with 4 people on it. I'm so impressed by your feats of strength. I wish I could pick things up like you" oh wait, I can. I'm just not that much of a douchebag that I need to broadcast my strength to everybody. Oh yeah, that's just what everyone at the party wants to see, you doing pushups, you vain fuck. Why don't you try picking up a girl instead? What's that you say, because you're too busy being a total assclown? I thought so. I hope you have a brain aneurism, you bulky shit" I Hate You!-The Sophisticated Slob: "Hmmm, I wonder how I can look smart and look like I party at the same time? I know, I'll wear a sportscoat AND flipflops!" Ohhhh, how brilliant of you! Not only do you look smart and party-ready, but you look like a total ass at the same time. I bet your mom would be proud, you pompous fuck. What's next, an ascot and a beach towel? The Wall Street Journal and a beer bong? A pocket watch at a wet tee shirt contest? I'm so cool I can be ready to party and ready to debate the socio-economic decay in urban markets AT THE SAME TIME! Go kill yourself, you oxymoronic bastard" I Hate You!-Ms. Calorie: "Do you know that there are 300 calories in that sandwich?" "You might want to get a Bud Light, regular Bud has 100 more calories than Bud Light." I DON'T FUCKING CARE! I'm fat" anyone can see that. So obviously I don't take much time considering my caloric intake over the course of any given day. But, apparently you do care about what I eat and drink to an annoying degree. Just let me enjoy my goddamned nachos without hovering over me counting up all the fucking calories. Yes, I know with each bite I bring myself one step closer to cardiac arrest, but you know what? This plate of cheese covered heaven tastes fantastic. And do you know what would make it even better? If you would shut your fucking mouth and go gnaw on some celery. You want to eat like an anorexic rabbit, be my guest. Me, I like dead animals and cheese, so shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my obescity, you annoying bitch" I Hate You!-NOW FOR SOME OF YOURS: -Reader Jason B. really hates: Too-Good-For-Bud-Light Freshmen: This is the freshmen who comes to college and refuses to drink lite beers or anything of lower grade than a micro-brew. If the 21-plus guy in the hall is nice enough to offer to buy him something he asks for Youngs or Magic Hat or some obscure beer he hasn't drank before. Look dude, the 21-plus guy has six 30 racks of Bud Light and Beast to buy, and the last thing he needs is to look for some random beer at 8pm. You're probably too timid to bring it in passed the front desk anyway. You pussy" I Hate You!-Reader Anna D. really hates: The Hairless Tuna Guido- maybe it's just my school, but what is with all the guys shaving their body hair and eating strictly protien diets? everyday i watch them walk to the gym through my window with bandannas tied around their head, legs that are shinier than mine, and wife beaters on. I hope someone drops a heavy weight on their small steroid testicles and they have to undergo testicle retrieval surgery. Grow some hair you greasy fucks" I hate you!-Reader Ant P. (that's really funny if you think about it) really hates: Gym fags. Skinny little kids who throw way to much weight on the bar when they are doing exercises, and see fit to use the whole momentum of their body just to lift this obscene about of weight, such as 98 pound boys trying to curl twice their own body weight by practically bending over backwards and swinging the bar. This would be acceptable because not everyone knows about weightlifting, but coupled with the fact that this little rat sees it necessary to roll his sleeves up, grunt, look in the mirror at every moment possible, and then try to give me advice just pushes this little shit over my tolerance threshold. Roll your sleeves down and learn what the fuck you are doing before you ever step foot in a weight room again gym fag
I hate you!-Reader Carlos really hates: "Mr. I'm a bad-ass in the mosh-pit who drinks only girly drinks." This mockery of a human being rocks a child molester moustache and the same dirty Van Halen t-shirt that he got way back when Diamond Dave still had all the coke and groupies he could ask for. This felcher who has the IQ of a bag of hammers will come up to the bar with his numbnuts buddies and talk loudly and at great length about "dude I totally punched that guy in the clavicle" and in the next breath ask me for a Malibu fuckin' bay breeze. Hey you gooch licker! Shut the fuck up about your war stories and order a scotch already. I HATE YOU!-Reader Barrie G. really hates: The Nodder: I swear there is one in every class. The teacher makes a remark "A squared plus B squared equals C squared", and they look like a bobble head doll. No matter what the teacher says, they nod and nod and nod and nod. It could be "I am so constipated, I think my ass is going to explode", and they STILL NOD! AND write it in their notebooks. If you come into class hungover, watch out for the nodder. If you look at them, you'll either pass out or puke all over yourself. HEY ASS CLOWN! NO ONE CARES THAT YOU UNDERSTAND! (funny thing is, they probably DON'T) WRITE IT DOWN IN YOUR FUCKING NOTEBOOK AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!! And, oh yeah, I really hate you.-Reader Lindsey R. really hates: Mr. Useless information guy: This is the guy who sits in the back and pipes up with useless information every five minutes that no one, not even the Prof., cares about. Just because you LIKE history doesn't mean everyone needs to know how your neighbor's great-uncles, second cousin was talking to someone who knew a person who was at the first grocery store in America. STOP TALKING!!! Just let me get through my three hour history class so I can nap! Man, I HATE YOU!!!-Reader John P. really hates: Naysayers: I hate the guy that says that there's no way we're going to win our next football game because our team sucks and isn't worth shit, even if we did just beat two 7th placed teams in a row. He says it's because if he doesn't get his hopes up, then he won't be let down. But at the same time, if you're never happy before, and you aren't happy afterwards, then you're never happy. I'd rather be excited beforehand and if worst comes to worst, unhappy afterwards, but at least I can enjoy life at some point, you morbid fuck" I hate you!-Reader Jeanette G. really hates: the everyone-i-know-has a-disease person: This person's brother has some kind of cancer and their mom died in a car crash and their father smokes, so you know he's gonna die soon, and their cousin has ADD and their sister has depression while their uncle has gonorrhea. News flash bitch: you have something called being a pathological LIAR. Even if everyone you know or are related to has a disease
what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? Care? And this person is also the type that believes if someone they know DOESN'T have a disease that someone you know has
it must not be real
?!?!!WTF?!?!? Why don't you catch something and die? I hate you!-Finally, reader Timothy C. (whose initials are TLC, by the way) really hates: the person who insists on one-upping you. No matter what you say they have to combat with "really well I have BLAH BLAH BLAH" or "I am sorry that you have three finals in the same day and your tired from studying all night but look, I stumped my toe last night at the bar and it really hurts!!!' you fucking ass-bag shut the hell up, go talk to a fucking tree
Yours parents might have put up with this but your my roommate now and i will kick the shit out of you
.I hate you-Mmm, Mmm, Mmmm! That was some tasty hate. Of course, there will be more on the way shortly. Keep those Hate Lists coming to firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll make sure to keep the famous Hate List alive and bitter.