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By Caldwell Tanner
Every Superhero Origin Story Ever
Panel One: It is a moonlit night in a private park. A Bruce Wayne-like youth and an older, mustachioed butler talk.
Youth: Uncle Butler, what is the matter?
UB: Bad news, innocent youth. Your wealthy scientist parents are dead now because of crime.
Panel Two: Close-up on youth, he looks dramatically shocked, Uncle Butler has his hand on youth’s shoulder.
Youth: But what will happen to my sheltered worldview?
UB: Don’t worry I will always be here to give you good advice and protect you from the harsh realities of society.
Panel Three: Evil Businessman stands next to a dump truck, which is dumping giant kegs of radioactive waste falls on Uncle Butler
Evil Businessman: I am here to dump radioactive waste because I am evil and rich.
UB: Oh no I am dead now.
Panel Four: Youth looks at his hands, they each have a unique power. Uncle Butler is crushed, but his head is exposed.
Youth: These chemicals have given me an awakened sense of responsibility and also super powers???
UB: No. The powers were in you all along,
Panel Five: Close up of Uncle Butler whispering into Youth’s ear.
UB: Because your parents were secretly aliens.
Panel Six: Shot of youth kneeling and crying up towards the heavens.