-Sometimes things don't always happen like we think they will. You build a scenario in your head and when the actual event takes place, you are horribly let down. It can happen with tests, papers, and most of all, parties. Here is one such incident.

*Event: The Annual Catholic Schoolgirl Party of Fordham University

*What I Thought Would Happen:
-At 10 PM I make my grand entrance into the party with my entourage. "You must be the Great Streeter, of the Kingdom of CollegeHumor! Do not be foolish, of course you will not have to pay the $5 admission fee to mine own party." the owners of the apartment building chime. Surveying my surroundings, I find an agreeable scene. What luck! Ten girls for every guy and what's better, all the girls want to hang out with me! Can you believe it? "Please ladies, one at a time" I shout.

-Taking my time, I widdle down all the girls to a lucky five who will spend the evening in my company alone. Sure, I'll invite some of my male friends over to pay fealty, but the girls won't be interested in them. Wearing my signature white shirt and jeans, the women I have chosen will satisfy my every whim. "Could I grace your beautiful lips with another flagon of mead?" one will casually ask. "Would it pleasure your greatness to have thine back rubbed?" queries another.

-Reclining on a plush leather sofa with my own keg, the girls, all dressed as catholic schoolgirls mind you, will feed me pizza and play with my hair. "What a lovely mane of thick brown hair you have," says Stacey. What is this? Rachel has bent over in front of me just enough so that I can peek the lacey bottom of her panties. I grunt with displeasure. "I'm sorry, most funny and wonderful of men, allow me to expose all of my hind-parts to you," Rachel coos. With a flip of her skirt, her entire posterior is visible and I laugh with delight. "What a merry evening this has been!" I cheer.

-Feeling drunk and happy, I choose two of the girls to accompany me home. There, they bathe me in scented waters and comment on the attractiveness of my body and the unusually large size of my phallus. "My God, hath a great white snake found its way into thine bath water?" screams Holly. "No, no, no, my dear," I explain, "Tis just thine member swimming endlessly in this sweet-smelling, foamy wonderland!" How we all will laugh! The rest, of course, will play out as you may have imagined. There will be juices" oh yes, juices a'plenty. Mine own seed hath been sowed!


*What Really Happened:
-At Midnight I left for the party with my friends Matt, Tim, Josh and John. At the entrance, we were charged the mandatory $5 for a cup and made our way into a sweaty, writhing apartment building. Yes, there were schoolgirls but each one was surrounded by no less than 15 guys all vying for her attention.

-After a 20 minute wait in the keg line, I poured myself an extremely foamy Coors Light and took my position on the couch. Sweating profusely, I tried to convince one of my friends to show me her butt to no avail. I got up a few times and walked around, said some casual hellos, got a few more beers before I joined the rest of the party on the sidewalk.

-There, huddled with the horny masses, I watched four girls tease the crowd with promises of breasts. "TITS, TITS, TITS!" screamed the crowd, at least 150 strong. But, of course, none came and the girls each made their way down from the cement planters they were standing on. Dejected I returned indoors and made my way upstairs. The highlight of the night was when my friend (who shall remain nameless) was kind enough to lift her skirt for a millisecond and show me her underwear. Feeling that it would not get better than this, I left, went to a bar, and wasted some more money.


-Let this be a lesson to all of you out there. Never attend the Catholic Schoolgirl party at my school unless you are a medieval king of England" or unless you're attractive. I would have probably had better luck if I had just remembered to bring my crown and scepter. Shit!