-Summer is just around the corner and we all know what that means" It's time to pee outside. All winter, your poor genitals have been hidden from the elements; kept under zipper and button in their %60 cotton/%40 Polyester prisons. They have served their time and paid their debt to society so why not let them out on parole for the summer? Of course, peeing outside presents considerable problems: you could get caught, people could see your thingamajig (amazing that spell-check recognizes that word but not the word "rad"" Get a clue Gates, get a clue), you might pee all over yourself, etc" But, lucky for you, I am here to teach you the many fool-proof ways to urinate outdoors without fear of reprisal or humiliation.

-GUYS:

-The Walk-n-Piss: This particular technique was pioneered by a young man named Tim Mullowney. This brave hero defied the conventional "stop-to-take-a-piss" thinking of our fathers and stood up for what he believed would be a quicker, more efficient way to urinate. While grasping his manhood, he confidently (if a little wobbly) strode down the sidewalk peeing in front of himself. Amazingly, not a drop touched his clothing and, as an added bonus, the pee made fun, artistic markings on the sidewalk. You too can do the walk-n-piss. Just do as Tim did; grab it and go! But don't send me the dry cleaning bill if your aim is less than spectacular.

-The Phone Call: This method is particularly good if you live in a city where there are ample payphones. Nobody really notices people talking on the phone if they are not having an interesting conversation. So, go to a payphone, pick up the receiver and say something like this, "Hey" I know" Oh" .yeah" .no, I do like her, it's just" yeah" " Speak in this manner for as long as is needed and passerbys will ignore you and the tell-tale river of yellow evil flowing from the bottom of the phone booth!

-The Simple Life: Now, since I have given city boys a good one, here's one for country boys; go wherever you want. Nobody will see you. Pee on the hay-bails, the livestock, the tractor and Momma's prize winnin' apple pie! You have been given the gift of open land and the summer is the best time to pee all over it.

-The Oscar: No payphones or apple pies around? Try this one on for size and keep the tags because you can't return it you cut them off. This is a particularly tricky one since it involves contorting your body into uncomfortable positions, but it is a winner nonetheless. Go up to any garbage can that is sitting around and pretend that you are looking for something in there that you accidentally threw away. While you are bent over the can "looking" for that lost cell phone, let those garbage men know how you really feel by soaking this can with a little "trash day surprise" for them. It helps to have a friend stand around you saying, "Dude, can we go yet? You're not gonna find it in there." Foolproof.

-GIRLS:

-Poppa Squat: Let's face it girls, because of the curious alignment of your genitalia, you have a much harder time peeing in public than we boys do. As far as I can tell, the Poppa Squat is the best method for you. Here's the catch though, you need a skirt. The plan is simple. Tell one of your friends that you think you're going to puke. Casually brush off their offers to accompany you, "No, no. I don't like people around me when I puke." Then, ever so coyly, stroll off into the grass a distance from the party and squat down. Hold your hair and breathe heavy like you're going to puke. The kids at the party will think you're fighting back the voms, but all the ants below you will know that the rainy season came early this year.

-UNI-SEX:

-The Bushmen: This method requires that you have at least one friend to help you. Give them some kind of trinket or nugget that you don't really need" like a tennis ball or a pen. Now, have them toss the object into some bushes or trees. "You're such an asshole!" you can scream at them as you trudge off into the bush to "look" for your lost keepsake. But you don't really think your friend is an asshole, do you? No, in fact, you love your friend because they just gave you the beautiful opportunity to relieve yourself all over God' great, green toilet also known as Earth.

-The Emergency: Oh god, you're at a party outside and there is nowhere to pee! What do you do? Just go in your pants! No, I'm not crazy" I'm a genius. Here's how to avoid getting caught. Fill your beer to the brim and stroll around the party. Find something to trip over and lock on it. WHOOPS! Next thing you know, you've gone and spilt your beer all over your pants. "Wow, that was a lot of beer," they'll say. "Yeah, I just filled it up." Game. Set. Match!