-I've got a question for you; what's tall, white, and hates you? Give up? ME! That's right folks, it's that time of the week again where we can all kick back, smile and tell the world who we hate. Go get the kids, it's time for another edition of the famous Hate List.-MINE:-Mr. Big Bite: I understand that food is essential to sustaining human life. I also understand that you would probably like a bite of my food. Furthermore, I appreciate that you asked for a bite instead of just taking one without permission. However, when I conceded and let you have a bite of my food, I was not aware you were going to press as much food as you possibly could into your mouth. Listen you fat piece of shit, when I say you can have a bite of my sandwich, I didn't want you to take a big fucking bite right out of the center. I don't want your slobbery drool all over my roast beef, you chubby fuck. Go buy your own goddamned food and stop pretending that all you want is a tiny morsel when you really want the whole enchilada, fat ass" I Hate You!-Freddy Favor: ring ring ring. "Hello?" "Hey dude, it's me. Listen, can you do me a huge favor?" I would rather hear someone say "I just kidnapped your sister" than have someone ask for a huge favor. We all have this friend. You know, the one that will call you at 2 in the morning and say "Dude, sorry to wake you, but I left my bag at your house, could you do me a really big favor and bring it over here?" NO you lazy fuck. Why don't you come over here and get it, asshole? So, from now on, I won't give you ride home, I won't go buy beer for you, I won't answer your phone, and I won't pretend I like you anymore, you needy little bitch" I Hate You!-Smelly Nelly: You're sitting in class, it's hot outside, and a strange odor hits you. "'sniff sniff' What's that smell? Oh, I know what it is, it's you, you smelly shit. What is it about college that makes kids (boys especially) take pride in not showering. "Oh man, I haven't showered in, like, a week or two." Good for you, you filthy dirtbag. Your parents must be so happy to have a son that stinks like a bum's asshole and looks like a sweaty taint. I know it's a lot to ask, but drag your grimy body into the fucking shower and say goodbye to that head lice colony growing in your raggity mange, you disgusting sack of shit! Nobody thinks it's funny" I Hate You!-YOURS:-Reader John P. really hates: Punk kid(s): I can't stand the kid that says he hates N'sync and refuses to cooperate with authority because he won't conform to everyone else. I have news for you punk, nobody likes N'sync and most people don't cooperate much with authority figures. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but you're conforming along with every one else. Now, why don't you go put some more metal on your clothes" that'll scare em" I Hate You!-Reader Paige S. really hates: annoying-as-hell engineers who seem to think that engineering and genius are synonymous. If I hear one more asswipe say, "you don't understand
I'M an engineer," I'll have to stab someone. My classes are just as hard as yours, snatch, and my professors don't curve our grades. If everyone in my thermo class gets a C, then everyone gets a C, unlike your pansy-ass class. What's that?? I wouldn't last a day in engineering, you say?? Not only would I last, but I'd ace that shit. It's not my fault that you're a bitter little nerd with no social life. Take your major and shove it, penis. I hate you!-Reader Ashley M. really hates: The Unwanted-Answerers: These are the people who are just acquaintances, but feel it's necessary to tell you their life story when you ask them "how are you?" as you're passing them in the hall. If I don't know you well and ask you how you're doing all you need to say is good
whether you are good or not. There is no need to tell me that your goldfish died last night or that your herpes is flaring up and you aren't feeling so great or that your sister just came out as a lesbian. I don't give a shit! I asked you how you were to be nice, but then you have to go and be a douchebag and keep talking to me for 10 minutes about people I don't know and things I don't care about. Just SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me get to my next class! Ugh, I Hate You!-Reader Juliann H. really hates: The Anti-popular music guy- This is the person who knew about every single band BEFORE they became popular. Any time you're either at your dorm or at a party and a new song comes on he makes it a point to say that "this band was so much better back when I saw them in '99, you know before they sold out and became just another MTV pawn." You know what? I don't really give a fuck. The reason why this band is on MTV so much now is because they have a good song and people like it. I don't give a shit about band politics or how they lost their individuality because they made pop song. Now take that better-than-thou attitude and shove it up your ass. I'm going go over there and dance to the new Outkast Cd like a good little lemming. I hate you!(Streeter's Fun Facts: I did know about The Darkness before anyone else" believe that)-Reader Jennifer B. really hates: Cell Phone Dramatists: I'm just sitting at the bus stop, minding my own business, when this jackass walks up right near me, nonchalantly jabbering away some useless bullshit on their cell phone about how they're really upset at how their boyfriend or girlfriend is so messed up, and how could they do that to me, I thought they cared for me, I swallowed his cum, he was inside of me, blah blah blah. It's all just whiny bullshit that could be solved by a quick, FUCK YOU you piece of shit, it's college, I'm gonna get over it. Second of all, I could give two shits about your personal life and you feel it necessary to broadcast it to me for the next 20 minutes on what should be a nice, quiet and peaceful ride home. NO ONE else on the bus is talking and yet you feel the need to tell your sob story to someone at 4 in the afternoon because well, the bus just seemed like the best place to tell it. This is the kind of shit that could give you an aneurism! Stick a dick back in your mouth and turn off the fucking phone! I HATE YOU!!-Reader Kate J. really hates: The Narrator: I really fucking hate those people in the movie theater that feel the need to not only carry on a conversation with those they came with but do it at above normal levels during the movie. Not only that, they feel the need to scream at the screen itself. For example, I went to see Man on Fire, this girl kept screaming "oh no he didn't" and "kill that bitch". There's NO need for that. These are the people that if you SHHH them, which you better fucking believe I did, threaten your life. HELLO! Take a look at yourself! The best part of you ran down your mother's leg I HATE YOU!-Reader Patrick D. really hates: The fucking assbag at my local wawa (a convenience store who finds it necessary to freestyle while taking my order/making my sandwich/ringing me up. Listen up cock-burn, if P. Diddy or Lil John or some other marginally talented producer who finds his way into the background of every video on MTV comes into your store at 4am after a night of beer, pot, and whiskey and orders a meatball sub with mustard and pickles, feel free to let him "hear some fire". Until then shithead, find something that rhymes with I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!-Finally, a reader who calls himself "Monk of the Shores" (whatever that means) really hates: The Keg Nazi -This is the extremely over-weight and sweaty guy at a house party who thinks he personally owns the keg and every drop of beer inside, when the fact is he doesn't live at the house and he's still asking "what the fuck are you doing here?" He's the guy who will be holding the tap and filling up all the girls he'll never talk to and his buddies, who are equally as ugly, first regardless of the fact you been standing there for twenty minutes asking him politely for a beer. I mean "fuckin give me a goddamn beer and get out of the fuckin way!!! And no you don't know how to pour a pint like a fuckin brew meister in Munich. Don't even try!!"
I HATE YOU.-Delicious! I hope you have enjoyed this somewhat long edition of the famous Hate List. Come see us again next week; same time, same place, new hate!