This makes a delightful amount of no sense at all. My God, it's late:

What would you do if your keyboard was a wasteland?

Myself, I'd look for water somewhere near the Pause/Break key, reason being that it's the key that is most like a cactus. It seems useless, being a Pause/Break key and all, yet it must serve some purpose, like having water in it.

I think the left shift key would be the bleached cow's skull because it probably had a very vibrant heydey before it died out, like the cow. There was a time when the only people who used keyboards were those who did so professionally and probably had some use for it. Also, it pretty much died out of existence when even the right shift key was sparingly used. That's when Livejournals and AIM were invented, and suddenly everything was lowercase.

The numbers at the top of the keyboard are the Arabian caravan riders. Dressed modestly as numbers, there are more interesting characteristics to them than meets the eye. The shiek (7), for example, holds the coveted "&", which is considered by many Eastern scholars to be the lost treasure of the desert. Rivals contend that the "&" is mythical, however, and the true treasure, "%", is held by 5, the Vizier.

The Tab key is the mirage, because you never know exactly what it's going to do when you come upon it. Depending on which template you're typing on, it could either be something you use to skip the cursor around the screen or it might be just an enormous space.

The "`" is the legless man because it has no practical use in the desert unless used with its counterpart, the equally useless and armless shift key. Together they create the ~, which is important for those speaking Spanish as well as any girl between the ages 11-19 who wants to include her name in her profile as if the person checking it didn't already know that her name was Kaitlyn or Lauren or Ashley. Which are the only names girls tend to have these days.

The Sarlacc of the keyboard wasteland is probably the "windows" key because if you accidentally hit it while playing a multiplayer game online, you're screwed because it will minimize your game and whoever you're playing against will be able to fr499 you. If you don't know what a Sarlacc is and you're reading an online column as you are, then you don't even have enough of a life to be a loser and you're hopeless.

The F# keys are the women of the desert because they only have uses if you give them some. Oh, snap.