Modern World, Ancient King
By King Henry VII of England
An Evening At McDonalds
-Good tidings, loyal subjects. It is not likely to see a great King, such as myself, humble himself before the works of man. Why for was I granted my seat by divine providence if I am not able to carry out my office in a kingly way? So, I must come before you, great peoples of America, and admit to you that I have not the constitution or intellect to understand a local eatery which peppers your shores.
-I have recently been on a diplomatic expedition to the township of Dayton in the principality of Ohio. A fine place it was, but soon I grew weary of the road. Finding myself famished, I aroused my humble manservant, Plinny, and bade him find me an acceptable venue for a feast. After quite a spell, Plinny settled on an establishment named after what I thought was the ancient Scottish family of McDonald.
-Plinny suggested that not only was this McDonalds able to accommodate the royal feasting party, but it was also quite reasonable in respect to price (a merry fact considering the state of the royal treasury at present what with the rebellion in Wales and those dastardly French at it again!). So affordable was this establishment pleaded Plinny, that it has even displayed a "dollar menu." A "dollar's" value I know not against the Dubloon or even the Drachma. But Plinny suggested that a "dollar" was roughly equivelant to a farthing and two-pence. Delighted I was indeed.
-However, my delight was not to last. As I entered the establishment, I was horrified to find that the proprietor was not a member of the Scottish McDonald clan, but a mere jester! A white-faced buffoon, with striped pantaloons and a scramble of other-worldy beings called Grimmas and The Fry Guys constantly at his beckon call. Who on earth granted a charter to operate an eatery to a jester? Far be it from me to insult the art of comedy (I am a man who has been known to enjoy the stylings of a clown in my court), but jesters are not meant to operate eateries! This outrage would never have sat idle in England for long; McDonald would have had his neck stretched in the tower dungeon!
-Why, this McDonald, who prefers to be known by his forename of "Ronald" even associates with a known thief; some detestable wretch know as the Hamburglar! His menacing call of "rabble rabble" struck fear into the hearts of my most courageous courtiers, I regret to tell. I feared for the royal purse until I came by the knowledge that this Hamburglar is only interested in the thieving of meat and not the currency of man. Why, he should be tried for sneak-thievery and have his thumbs screwed!
-But hunger overcame my general revulsion of this establishment and the royal feasting party shuffled idly along to the banqueting area. Luckily, I had brought my own accoutrements to dress the table since McDonalds had not the necessary linens for a King. What kind of banqueting hall does not keep in its stores a purple and golden table-sheet? I even bade Plinny to bring in my throne from the Horseless-carriage, for McDonalds had but "plastic" thrones adorned in the paste of the tomato which I feared would muss my royal robe.
-The royal party waited patiently for our feast to be brought to us by pageboys, but alas, nothing came and my hunger grew more intense with every passing moment. This Ronald McDonald did not even present himself at our table to entertain us with his comedy whilst we waited for the kitchen maids to prepare our feast. What sort of jester is this McDonald fellow?
-Fearing for my composure and on the advice of the royal surgeon, I sent Plinny to inquire as to the whereabouts of our feast. He returned after quite some time with a full knowledge of this dire situation.
"Plinny, could you have been more timely in your reconosaince?" I inquired.
"I am dreadfully sorry, your royal highness," Plinny replied, "but the servant at the counter spoke half the language of the English and half that of the Spanish."
"How curious indeed. But where, do tell, is our feast?"
"The servant bestowed on me the knowledge that each member of the party must approach him and beckon his desired choice of entre from the glowing menu partitioned against the wall, Sire."
-Well, I am not a peasant that must request my food from a servant. I am a King! I will not humble myself to some peon just to secure sustenance! I am in the habit of being presented with food in my banqueting chamber: guinny fowl, wild boar, roast duck patte, Cornish hen, this is what I desired. But Plinny informed me that McDonald was only prepared to serve the meat of the cow and hen" peasant food. Alas, Plinny could not even identify what sort of oceanic fish was used to prepare the Fillet-o-fish!
-Growing tired of this establishment, I demanded the party pack my royal table-sheet and throne back into our horseless carriage. I have never been so outraged in my life and I was in the right mind to declare a war of the principality of Ohio! I could have the fleet roused and battle ready by mid-summer! Luckily for Ohio, Plinny reminded me that these were a backward people, unaccustomed to the likes of Kings. This being said, I exited that accursed establishment, never to grace its filthy walls with my royal presence again.
-May the Lord be thanked, for by his providence Plinny spied another establishment run by a monastic sect named "Thank God It's Fridays." This was a much more suitable establishment for the likes of a King. I was treated to a fine local cuisine known as "Jalapeno Poppers" after which I cooled my seething tongue with a blue-hued ale know as a "Friday's Freaky Blue Margarita." How Joyous! Why, the servants even knelt down at my throne when I placed with him my order. These servants are in the custom of attending to royalty! I finished off this delicious meal with a treat of frozen sow's milk topped with some sort of nut paste known as "Reese's Peanut Butter Blast Sunday"; I must declare my mouth has never been affronted with such a symphony of flavor. The servants even sang a delightful song to celebrate Plinny's 24th birthday and presented him with a desert topped by a flaming wax candle. Minstrel servants" I must acquire some for my court upon my return to England!