-Many of you know that I am comedian and humor columnist for collegehumor.com. What many of you might not know is that I am also I licensed therapist. I have been attending to patients for the past eight years in family, group, and individual psychological counseling sessions. I also get a lot of mail from people who want advice and guidance. I do the best I can, as you will see.
-Dear Dr. Street
Two years ago, I was in a car accident. It wasn't that bad, but I sustained injuries to my neck and head. Since the crash, I have become increasingly irritable and unstable; often lashing out at my family and loved ones. I have had my head examined and there is no lasting traumatic damage to either my brain or my spinal cord. Why am I having these outbursts? Sincerely Crazy Katie
I have seen this type of thing before" in movies and on Law and Order and stuff and the best advice I can give you is to stop being such a bitch to your family. Nobody likes someone who is always yelling at people; just look what happened to Hitler! Every time you feel like boiling over and screaming your head off, go kill a small animal instead. They aren't that important to the ecosystem and nobody will miss a squirrel or raccoon. If that doesn't work, keep moving up the food chain and killing animals of increasingly large size. Eventually, somewhere between the opossum and the bison, you should feel your anger subside.
-Dear Dr. Street,
I always seem to be misplacing things as I grow older. I can never find my keys and I spend hours looking for my shoes, coat, etc" In fact, I'll put something down and almost immediately forget where I put it. Is this just forgetfulness or something worse? From Forgetful Phil
Hello, can I have your boarding pass sir" ok" it looks like you have a first class seat in aisle number crazy with an optional in-flight freak-out. Thank you for flying Alzheimer's Air! Kiss that bladder and bowel control goodbye! I'm truly sorry to hear that you're about to become someone who talks to the television and insists that the washing machine owes you money from a gambling debt, but look on the bright side" you're about to become the most popular person in the family. Everyone will be coming over to hear Crazy Grandpa Phil rant about this and that all while wearing his underwear outside his pants! As fun as that sounds, make sure to make a videotape of yourself as you are now so your family can remember what huge asshole you were when your mind still worked.
-Dear Dr. Street
My 15 year-old daughter has not been herself lately. She used to be so sweet and nice, but lately I hear her listening to rap music and swearing at her friends on the phone. She even gave me the finger when I asked where she was going the other night. Is she getting into drugs? Worried Wanda
Probably. Kids love drugs" they love everything about them so it's no shock that your daughter is probably taking a heavy dose of them. In fact, I bet if you went to her room right now, she'd be sitting in bed huffing a can of whipped cream. Irritability, detachment and Hispanic men calling the house late at night demanding money are all signs that your child is using drugs. But it doesn't stop there. You know what else your daughter is probably doing; she's probably having sex" with lots of people. And, she probably killed a guy once. It's all a part of growing up and you should learn to accept your "new" daughter for who she is. Also, accept Julio, her new 35 year-old boyfriend and drug connection, for who he is because Lord knows you'll be seeing a lot of him.
-I hope you have found my advice sound and useful. If you have a question about a psychological problems, family issues, or health concerns, email me and I will do my best to give you the absolute worst advice I can think of. Sincerely yours, Dr. Street