By Nathan Yaffe
5 Stages of Graduation Grief
Stage 1: Denial
You never thought this day would come. Graduation. But now that you have a diploma, that doesn’t mean you have to start acting like an adult. Age is a state of mind, and you intend to keep your mind intoxicated until you forget that you spent the last 4 years learning nothing and are completely unprepared for the real world.
Catchphrase: “Hey can I crash in your dorm tonight?”
Stage 2: Anger
What the fuck? They told you that if you went to college, there would be a cushy job waiting for you on the other end. No one said anything about having to apply to anything. This economy is bullshit. Thanks Obama! This is everyone’s fault but yours and your rage knows no bounds.
Catchphrase: “No one ever taught me how to write a goddamn cover letter!”
Stage 3: Bargaining (for money)
Ok. So the job hunt isn’t going well. But that doesn’t mean you need to make a change and rethink how you are living your life. Just get down on your knees and beg the people who brought you into this world to give you their hard earned cash so you can keep living the way you are used to.
Catchphrase: “How am I supposed to be a successful DJ if you don’t buy me a new computer and an apartment in Brooklyn?”
Stage 4: Depression
You are on the verge of giving up on your dreams and are starting to die inside. You have moved home with your parents and have no plans to leave. It’s like you’re a little kid again, except you are painfully aware that you are in your 20’s.
Catchphrase: “Hey mom, what’s for dinner?”
Stage 5: Acceptance
You have given up on your dreams and are almost completely dead inside. Time to swallow your pride and take any shitty job you can find to keep your parents off your back. Congratulations! You are finally an adult.
Catchphrase: “Thank you. Enjoy your coffee.”