-Ok everybody" gather round" Jimmy, get down, you're blocking Rob" Ok, everybody smile" "Happy Tenth Birthday Hate List! Yes folks, that's right, the famous Hate List is ten issues old. We've had a lot of good hate together in these past ten issues, but there is so much more to come. This week, in celebration of its birthday, we're having a special Celebrity Hate List. Here it goes.
-Ted Nudgent: Nobody in the world, and I really mean this, is more irritating than Ted Nudgent. And now, thanks to VH1, he has his own little reality show. "The Nudge," as some people who were cool in 1974 call him, is an over the top, extroverted, ego-maniac who is constantly talking about how crazy he is and how crazy his life is. This is what goes through Teddy's head all day and all night, "look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me." Guess what Teddy, you had like 2 hits thirty years ago and they weren't even that good. Oh, you're good at shooting animals? Good for you, it takes a lot of talent to hit the broad side of a buffalo with an arrow, you dumb fuck. Why don't you grow the hell up; and stop acting like you're still a successful musician when you haven't had a hit since America was worried about communism. You're a washed up, old, long hair having assbag who, in addition to being the world's saddest excuse for a rock star (he didn't even sing on his songs) is also the most annoying celebrity on the face of this earth. Go fuck yourself, your ranch manager and that deer you just shot, you washed up piece of shit" I Hate You!
-Aaron Carter: Holy shit, what can I say about this toe-headed little scamp other than he is probably the worst person in the music business right now. How on God's green earth does anybody enjoy the prepubescent rhymes that spew from his mouth? Aaron can rap about anything that you cared about when you were nine" like candy, and birthday parties, and a new bike, etc" AND, if his shitty songs weren't bad enough, he has hot girls fighting over him. I believe it was Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff who feuded over this heir to the Backstreet throne. This little choade had famous girls fighting over him before he even learned how to masturbate. Plus, he acts as if he grew up on the streets of the Bronx, but that's where I live and I've never seen him walking around. Hey Aaron, your music blows, your brother is a tool, and you look like Eminem shit you out after a long night of drinking. Go have a Kool-Aid with Lil' Romeo so he can beat you up, you little white fuck" I Hate You!
-Frankie Muniz: I was watching TV a few days ago when I saw something that made made me cringe. No, it wasn't Anna Nicole Smith taking a dump or Drew Carey masturbating, it was Frankie Muniz talking about the war in Iraq. Now, it is bad enough that his opinion should even carry enough sway for him to interviewed about it, but what was worse is that he said something like this, "It is really hard for young people (i.e.16-25)today to deal with the war. A lot of us really oppose it, blah blah blah." No Malcolm, you do not speak for my generation. Don't try to pretend that you know what young people these days are going through; we all didn't get a Porsche for our 16th birthday. So, take your millions, your scrawny frame, your famous friends and enjoy your fabulous life. But never, and I mean never again, try to speak for my generation because if you do, I'll beat you retarded and it will take more than Agent Cody Banks to figure out who you are, you little turd" I Hate You!
-Reader Brian R. really hates: The In-the-Know Celebrity Reporter: What did Britney Spears' dog eat for breakfast last week? Please tell me, I'm dying to know. No, wait. Don't tell me. She probably doesn't even own a dog, you desperate-to-be-noticed, "news"-fabricating tool. I can't believe somebody actually pays you to make up shit about stars. Even if this ridiculous garbage is true, I can't imagine that there's a single sad mother fucker out there who actually cares. Yet, they must be there, because you're still in business, causing my blood pressure to spike with your huge, sensationalist headlines and incredibly shallow red-carpet interviews. So, cheers. This puke's for you, you nauseatingly phony vaginal discharge. I really hate you.
-Brian also hates: The Militant Political Analyst: This douchebag gets paid to sit around bitching about how the country's going to hell in a handbasket. But it's not enough to just bitch. He has to bitch louder and more angrily than his opponent/co-host and anyone else bold enough to defy his supreme knowledge on all things political. Some issues, like war, are worth getting fired up over, but I want to snap his damn neck when he fogs his glasses up over something like changes in public decency law. PS: Bush isn't the greatest president, but he strikes me as the kind of guy who spent four years of high school (and probably a little college time, too) holding guys like you upside-down over toilets, so quit mouthing off about him like you're some badass, you nerdy fucking rectal itch. I hate you.
-Reader Heather R. really hates: super skinny celebrities. Thin is fine, toned is fine, in shape is all well and dandy. But if I see another pair of shoulder blades popping out of an Armani dress that only hangs on by the straps because only their collarbone that also juts out is keeping it on, I swear to God, I will come down the the red carpet and snap you in half myself. Kate Moss, Calista Flockhart, the entirety of the Victoria's Secret models, you know who you are. I will kill you and dance on your mangled, bloody, pathetic bodies. For the love of all things sacred, stop throwing up. Hip bones that jut out when you walk is just not sexy.
-Reader Mike D. really hates: the celebrities who be it actors, Ath- cough*over paid babies *cough -letes or who ever, just feels the need to tell everybody that they are ri-godamn-diculously rich, and we just have to know about it. Especially when they go on MTV cribs and talking about how great their life is and all of their money. Well I don't have a shit ton of money, so shut up and let me go back to my minimum wage job and try to make enough to buy beer for the weekend. You fucking bastards shut up, i hate you! Except for the Olsen twins they can do whatever they want.
-Reader Krystle B. really hates: Hillary Duff .I CANT STAND HER first of all her acting abilities Suck! However, compared to her singing abilities they aren't too bad . How this friggen 13 yr old no talent, annoying 'actress' is as popular as she is I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND .she's just some lucky girl who is now more rich than I could ever hope to be ..HILLARY DUFF I HATE YOU!
-Readers Dan F. and Alycia P., respectively, hate: The Olsen Twins.
*A pair of overly hyped-up brats who won't acknowledge that their fifteen minutes of fame are over. Incarnations of the very worst self-lauding, self-aggrandizing aspects of the Hollywood nightmare factory. But before you start loading the assault rifles, bear in mind you can at least claim to hate me, so reading this far wasn't a total wash.
*seems like the world is having the stupid huge "countdown until the Olsens turn legal" how magical, but did anyone ever stop to think about what makes them so "hot" and why they'd even deserve their ridiculous millions of dollars? From their amazingly hot role on Full House, where it took both of them to play one character, horribly (that alone should've ended their "careers"- where's DJ today? yeah that's right, full house was her last gig), to the countless random movies and TV shows that have the exact same plot: they're twins. yeah, lets go with that plot AGAIN, girls, because its all you're good at! Although that, along with their line of Wal-mart girl's hair accessories, may appeal to girls age 6-10, it makes no sense to me why that should earn them not only unimaginable fortunes, but also the admiration of every male on the planet. They're not cute at all, well maybe with a lot of airbrushing, but hey, there's two of them so that almost equals one attractive person. So here's to you Olsens, that definitely earns you all kinds of admiration from me. No wait, you're annoying, untalented, monkeyfaced, and as it turns out, I HATE YOU!
(Author's Note: Don't listen top them Mary-Kate, I still think you're neat)
-Reader Tom C. really hates: Lindsey Lohan because she has played the same crappy role for about 10 movies now and I don't understand why she's still making movies, or why anyone is going to see them. She also always has ridiculous painted black lines around her eyes that make her eyes look like they're about to fall back into her head. And nobody thinks your a punk, EVEN if you dress in over priced Pacific Sun clothes and wear a guitar around your neck, so just stop making movies and or at least stop playing the Teenage Girl Who's Just Trying to Fit In, if you went to my school I'd throw you into a locker or make fun of you until you got an eating disorder and I Hate You.
-Reader and middle schooler Jack G. really hates: Orlando Bloom. Not necessarily because he's a bad actor, but because every fucking 14-year-old whore in the country has a pic of him in their locker, binder, or AIM profile. For fuck's sake, quit talking about him! I don't give a rat's ass if he's hot, quit making me feel ugly. That, and he has to go and become Mr. Supreme Fag in the most ambiguously gay film of the year (Troy). Lose the goddamned elf accent, you supreme prick I HATE YOU.
-Reader Kirk J. really hates: Johnny Depp. You are such a fucking fag! In every interview the news people throw at you, you always talk about how you don't want to be mainstream, you want to be different and you want people to leave you alone. Well, Guess what jackass, your a movie star, so shut the hell up about your little philosophies and say your damn lines. Nobody gives a shit that you want to be eccentric (SAT word, kinda) and only pick roles based on how weird (or gay) they are. We all have much bigger problems than trying to decide which movie deal to take, your lucky, and rich, so just shut the hell up. And guess what asshole, your mainstream, so get used to it and stop being so damn weird. I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
-Reader Juliann H. really hates: Madonna . yeah I used to like you, you had catchy songs and were a fashion icon but lately you've become a complete waste of media space. Your getting up there in years and refuse to bow out gracefully, desperately clamoring for attention you keep doing stupid shit. look at me, look at me Seriously you're worse than a 12 year old girl who just got her new boobies rapping, bad idea . frenching spears, whoops there went some more credibility as an artist. Not only are you ruining music but I don't need to hear your preaching on religion, I really don't give a fuck about Kabala (or whatever) so shove it and fade into retirement. Do the world a favor and pick one religion, one identity (you schitzo) and go bankrupt yourself like a classy musician. I hate you as a virgin/slut/modern/Chinese woman/Christian/kabala follower/desperate 40 going on 13 year old/rapper and writer . basically I HATE YOU!!!
-Reader Kallie C. really hates: Christina Aquilera. Now I'm sure this is going to be a popular one, but I hate her because she's so fake. And no I'm not just talking about her chest. She went from sweet Disney girl, to dirty whore, to "gothic". I hate Avril, but at least Avril can stick to an image. Same with Britney Spears, who cares if her boobs are fake, everything else is real. "Xtina" claims that this is who she's been all along but her label wouldn't allow her to be her GET A DIFFERENT LABEL! Christina, you're back to being a whore. We all know that you went goth because you thought it was the new popular thing (which doesn't make any sense It's a fad to be punk/goth/rocker lately, don't get me started. damned ass hole poseurs) and you needed a cover up. We've seen your latest video. You're a GHETTO whore now. Homes from da street yo! Christina, go fuck one of Britney's ex's again I HATE YOU!
-Reader Derrik really hates: Michael Moore, for making "documentaries" that are 90% bullshit and then convincing way too many intelligent people that it's true. Go choke on a sandwich you fat fuck. I hate you!
-Finally, Reader Shannon R. really hates: Oprah Winfrey: Yeah, I said it, I hate fucking Oprah! With her fake perfect image making her look like a queen when she does nothing but exploit the insecurities of women for profit. I hate you Oprah and them crazy bitches in your show who lose their god damn minds over a toaster that's hidden under their seat as a special gift. I hate your whole fake pop culture feminism which is only used for personal gain and less women cooking me Thanksgiving dinner. How do I feel you ask? I hate you!
-Wow, I hope none of the famous people on this list read it and come looking for me. But I have a hunch I could take them all in a fight. Next week it's back to regular hate until we hit the famous Hate List's 20th birthday and I've got something real special cooking for that. But, until then, happy tenth birthday hate list, you have made so many mad and so few happy. We love ya!