-Collegehumor.com is a very popular website. It gets more hits than Comedy Central's site and way more than my family blog page which my Uncle Carl runs. Hell, it's even more popular than Islam" true fact, Ricky told me. When you work for such a popular website you achieve some semblance of fame. I would even venture so far as to say that I am definitely the most famous person from my high school class. And you know what, that feels good. When I go home I can hold it over all their un-famous heads. I can be like, "Oh yeah, I can't go to that party because I have some stuff to do that only famous people can do." And they'll ask me what and I'll say, "Well, I can go to Wendy's and I don't even have to get out of my car to get my food. I just say what I want into this box and when I drive around, it's ready for me." And they'll be in awe.
-But there is so much more to fame than ordering food at the finest family-themed fast food restaurants. Take, for instance, the groupies. Yeah, it's nice to be idolized by women all over the world, but it can get tiring. I mean, between the autographs on stuff like debit card purchases and all the picture taking at family gatherings, the pressure can get to you. But I am never one to shy away from it. I won't go in to much detail here, but I have at least impressed one female with my job here. It happened like this; my cousin Lee came up to me at a family function and was like, "what are you up to now?" And so, playing it cool, I go, "Oh, I have a column on collegehumor.com. No big deal or anything." Then she goes, "oh, that's cool I guess" I think one of my roommates looked at that page once." It's a crazy life, but someone's got to live it.
-Yet, with fame comes responsibility. I have to watch what I write because I could piss a lot of people off. For instance, if I were to say that Native Americans should all go back to where they came and get out of this country, that could make people mad. But I won't say those kind of things. That is also why I have shied away from talking about specific people that have wronged me in the past" like my most recent ex-girlfriend who is a lying bitch and, I believe testing would prove this true, is actually an incarnation of Satan himself come to earth to ruin good men. You see, that would be irresponsible use of my new power and I'm a bigger man than that*. It is important to try to stay true to my convictions but not to end up convicted of slander or libel. I feel I have done this so far.
*If you have pissed me off or been as ass to me in the past, I hope you read this and get scared. The only reason I have not given out my ex's name, phone number and birth wieght is because I like her parents a lot and wouldn't want to be mean to them. I may not show the same courtesy to you. Yeah, you heard me Thomas Wentworth, that means you!
-I guess being famous has changed me a little bit. For instance, I now wipe my ass with sewn linen toilet paper imported from Belgium because a famous person is only as good as their famous ass. If I hit someone with my car, I don't stop. I throw my lawyer's card out the window and let him take care of it. Now I only breathe air that is imported from the Swiss Alps in special bags. That way, when I go on stage, I know my voice will be crisp and clear. I have special people who do my exercise for me so I don't get sweaty and flustered. I now take as long as I want on the toilet because, as a famous person, I have earned that privilege. Some times I don't even go to the toilet, I have other people do it for me. I can have pizza delivered straight to my door within half an hour by just calling this super-secret number I have. As you can see, the perks of fame run deep.
-So, if I went to high school with you and you're not as famous as me, you can kiss my famous ass" no, you can lick it because, as a famous person, I can have things like that done to me. Who cares that you work for the Red Cross now helping refugees, Mark? I have a column on collegehumor, loser! Oh, you work with disabled war veterans and spend you spare time volunteering at a soup kitchen, Kelly? Good for you, but people in Canada know who I am, sucker! What I am trying to say is that, because I am now world famous and respected by millions, I am by nature better than you. I'm sorry, but those are the facts" Ricky told me that right after he told me about that Islam thing.
*Author's Note- I am not really famous. But if I were, that is how I would act. I would also get really drunk and demand things at clubs that they could never supply" like a bathtub in the VIP room or twenty midgets to do my bidding. Until then, I will continue to watch Reno 911 in my underwear and eat ice cream with my fingers just like the rest of you.