By Susanna Wolff and Hallie Cantor
I’m going to miss this place so much. :: I’m going to miss guiltlessly sleeping in the middle of the day so much.
[Guy with a beach ball] :: I’m woefully unprepared for real life.
Is the bursar’s office open today? :: I fucked up.
I’m thinking about applying to law school. :: I’m thinking about spending $100 on LSAT prep books and then doing nothing for a year while I “study.”
What are you doing this summer? :: I’m doing nothing this summer, as evidence by the fact that I still think summer exists after graduation.
I’ve got an awesome internship lined up. :: I’ve got an unpaid internship lined up.
I’m going to travel for a bit before I settle down and get a job. :: I’m going to burn through all of my savings really quickly and then take the first job I can find.
Mom, this is my girlfriend. :: Mom, this is the girl I started dating in the last month of college and will break up with in a matter of weeks.
You guys are my best friends. :: You guys were my pretty good friends.
I’m so drunk right now. :: I just need something to say right now. We had a class together once, right? Eh, doesn’t matter anymore.
Where am I supposed to be standing right now? :: I’m so drunk right now.
[celebrity speaker] I’m honored to be here today. :: I’m paid to be here today.
Your graduating class has more challenges to face than any previous class. :: Your graduating class will hear the same speech I made to every previous class.
We will begin by awarding honorary degrees. :: We will begin by acknowledging famous people whose children go here.
Please purchase your cap and gown at the school bookstore. :: Please let us suck a little more money out of you before it’s too late.
You are the leaders of tomorrow. :: You are the unemployed people of tomorrow.
Would you like to donate to our class’ graduation gift? :: Would you like to throw some money into the mythic pot of gold that is our endowment before your euphoria dissipates and you realized that you’re unemployed and massively in debt?
And now, your senior class orator. :: And now, a clichéd
speech from someone with no more life experience than you.
You should be very proud of yourselves. :: I can tell from your Facebook statuses that you are very proud of yourselves.