Before you read this, you should know that the following commentary is based on an article written by a supposed "astronomer" with the internet handle "Aussie Bloke," who claims that the world will be ending within the next two or three weeks. The URL for it is at the bottom of this column. The article is written with the air of professionalism that often comes with claiming that the world is about to end, and it speaks of three or so family sized comets breaking through the earth's atmosphere and making impact with the planet.
Take note that nothing says "I have something of grave importance to say" like posting on a message board under the moniker "Aussie Bloke."
Or having the phrase "LOOK TO THE SKIES!!!!" in the first paragraph.
Although "Aussie Bloke's" credentials as an astronomer are very assuring, most people disregard what this man has to say, including myself. I swear, I'm only hoarding canned food items and distilled water for, uh" my vintage non-perishable food collection. And the blast shields I'm putting up in front of my house are for aesthetic purposes only. So back off.
For shits and giggles, though, it would be fun to wonder exactly what would happen if a comet really was going to make impact within the next few weeks. I think it would be as such:
Phase 1: The news breaks. People riot. Stores are looted. Statues are knocked over for no reason in particular. Black metal musicians fight over who gets to be the anti-Christ. Isahn, from Emperor, wins.
Phase 2: It is revealed that President Bush is actually a puppet. Not just a political puppet, though, I mean literally a marionette, controlled by Dick Cheney, who is actually a robot.
Phase 3: Dogs and cats all over the world embrace.
Phase 4: The hugest party EVER is thrown. Every band on the planet reunites just to play at it. You name it; Led Zeppelin, Dispatch, Cream" they're all there. Every band, that is, except for the original Misfits, because Glenn Danzig will still be an asshole about it. Yuengling gives out premium lager in huge quantities. Cigarettes are free and without long term risk" damn, the end of the world kicks ass. At that party, there would be a lot of crazy confessions taking place. I can imagine the Pope admitting that he's a closet-gay-Satanic-coke-addict, my dog admitting that he can talk, my dad admitting that he loves Grand Funk Railroad, etc., etc. Then, of course, if the comet missed, life would be extremely awkward .Grand Funk Railroad? I don't think I'd ever be able to respect dad again.
Phase 5: It is revealed that the music of Slayer is, in fact, the soundtrack to the Apocalypse.
Phase 6: When Isahn, the guy I mentioned before, starts doing his anti-Christ business, Jesus the Christ comes back and they duke it out in the coolest streetfight ever. Neither wins; in fact, they wind up shaking on it when they find out that they both share a common interest in lacrosse as a professional sport. They discuss this matter over beers for the remainder of the world's existence.
Phase 7: THE IMPACT. A loud, resounding "WTF!!!!!!!" is heard throughout the land. Somewhere in a sunny, flowery field, a butterfly alights upon a tall blade of grass.
Phase 8: At this point, the survivors have gathered into separate tribes, and a plot develops that is reminiscent to the classic "post-Apocalyptic" movie genre, a la "The Lord of the Flies" or "Def-Con 4." This usually involves a hero who tries to "re-civilize" the tribes to ensure survival, but realizes by the end that in order for them to become re-civilized, they need to destroy each other. I'm sure you can see how that doesn't really work out.
Phase 9: "The O.C." First Season DVD comes out.
Phase 10: Oil prices go up again. Why? I have no idea, but they probably would.
That, as far as I'm concerned, is the best case scenario for when the world ends. The URL for the rather amusing and, at times, strangely poignant rant is located at [//www.bushcountry.org/news/may_news_pages/g_051604_assiebloke_end_world.htm]. Obviously it's a hoax, unless it's normal for an expert astronomer to type like an un educated backwoods hick with Tourette's, but if you want the benefit of the doubt, my best advice for you is to start digging and stockpiling canned food. Myself, however, I'm gonna go snag an early seat for that Cream reunion show.
Look to the skies, everyone.