This is a time in America when no decent hardworking citizen can get a job. Why? Because they are coming in and taking all of them. That's right, you know who I'm talking about. They come into town, often in large groups, with their dirty clothes and beat up old cars. They practically never bathe. They're all willing to work for minimum wage at the local Wal-Mart just because there is no money where they come from. Everywhere you go they fill up the part-time positions; lawn-cutting, warehouse working, pizza delivery. Consequently, young guys like me can't find any work because they take over the market.

Can you guess who I'm talking about?

That's right: College kids.

Every summer, we go through this routine. College kids are sneaky at nabbing summer jobs because the competition is so incredibly high. If you managed to get a summer job, chances are you either have a connection already working there, applied during winter break for a summer position, or killed someone who had that job and stole his identity.

Don't get me wrong, though, I can respect that. It's tough to have money in college, so naturally you have to strike from the shadows if you want to find employment for the summer. I don't mean that literally (murder and identity theft are not actually good ideas), but it's alright to be sneaky.

For example, it's good to keep in mind that if it's easy for stores to find daytime employees during the summer, then naturally it is a lot tougher when school starts, so whatever you do, don't mention you're going back to school next semester. Bosses are looking for dropouts who have toked their way out of college and into the low-salary working class. If your employer-hopeful makes an inquiry about how well you're doing in school, then by all means, sell yourself: "Uh, my grades haven't been too good, so I decided to get a job." See, you're not actually lying, and the guy will think you've failed out, so he'll want to keep you, thinking that he'll have a daytimer for the winter. Come August, he'll come into work one day to find that you've mysteriously disappeared, along with an entire shipment of Ramen noodles.

Also, keep intelligence tabs on where your acquaintances are trying to apply. If one of your buddies says he is thinking of applying at the local supermarket, quickly defer him. Tell him that you went there just the other day and they no longer needed help. Then, when he is good and discouraged, go and apply before he can find out he was deuced.

Then there is always that one kid who comes home and finds "The Miracle Job." This guy makes something like twenty dollars an hour waxing bikini models, or gets paid a few hundred under the table for keeping his mouth shut when the owners of the Italian restaurant he waiters for start storing bodies in the freezer. This is based completely on fate; never before has there ever been a method for finding The Miracle Job, so don't even try. Your best bet is to keep your karma up to speed, keep your eyes peeled and get a job waitering at a shady pasta restaurant near the harbor.

However, some of you are of the lazy type, and that's understandable, too. But what do you do when you don't have any money for the summer yet you just don't feel like working? Easy: hang out with high school kids.

Being a recent high school graduate, I've held a steady job for four years and have amassed a small fortune (which will last approximately one year in college). This summer, when my college friends came home, I thought it was cool of them to want to hang out with me. Sure, all was fun and dandy until it came time for a beer run – then all eyes were on me. Then everything clicked; I was their funding. So, college kids, if you don't have a job and don't want one, just grab the nearest high schooler and voila! It's like a living, breathing ATM machine. Without surcharges! And if he complains about it, you can kick his ass! (Of course, to be fair, my friends are nice guys and they did promise to compensate me next time around, but that doesn't change the fact that suckering teenagers is a brilliant idea.)

So whatever you need to do in order to find yourself a job, or at least a gullible underclassman, go ahead and do it. Just don't kill anyone.