-After last week's celebrity edition, it's time to return to our normal format. Yes, yes, I know we all love to talk about arrogant, untalented or annoying celebrities, but there are plenty of people to hate without looking to Hollywood. Without further ado, here comes the famous Hate List, bitter as ever!
-Super Summer Job: "So, Jake, what are you doing for the summer?" "Well Street, I'm working at this club down by the beach. I give backrubs to hot girls and put oil on them and stuff. Plus my manager says I should drink on the job so I'm more talkative. I dunno, I guess it's pretty cool." Fuck you, Jake" fuck you. Most of us spend our summers painting houses, mowing lawns or waiting tables, but not Mr. Super Summer Job. No, he's got a job picking out Hillary Duff's underwear or testing beer, the little shit. What's worse is he'll complain about his job whenever he gets a day off from rubbing down swimsuit models. "I hate my job, the hours suck, I have to be around all these girls all day so I can't be a guy, blah blah blah" Shut up you whiny asshole. Why don't you try pushing a 200 Lb lawn mower around instead? Take your job and shove it up your pampered asshole, you lucky bastard" I Hate You!
-"That's Gay": I like this song" "That's gay." I think I'll get a turkey sandwich" "That's gay." Do you want to go to that party" "That's gay." Do you want to watch Will and Grace in our pajamas" "OK." Is there anything in the world to you that isn't "gay?" This dude will denounce everything you could ever suggest as homosexual. I see, my shirt is gay" why? Because it likes other shirts of the same color? My rug is gay? Does it like dance music? I'm gay because I like peanut butter? What the hell is wrong with you? Can you think of a better way to express your disapproval of a choice I made than "that's gay?" For example, you could say something like "that sucks" instead. It's just as easy to say and it doesn't make you sound like the fattest tool on the planet. So, from now on, everytime you think about saying "that's gay" to me, why don't you just rip out a few pubes instead because that is what it feels like for me when you talk, you ass" you're so gay" I Hate You!
-Mrs. Mystery Farter: It is just you and me in the living room. We are alone watching Tv or a movie when a smell slowly creeps into the room. You say, in your innocent girl way, "Eww, what's that smell?" I don't know, maybe it was the silent fart you just let escape your ass? Why don't you just admit that you farted, huh? I do it too, in fact, everybody does. No, it's not that sexy or attractive, but don't try to pretend that you don't know where that smell came from. Since it's just you and me, and I didn't fart, I'm pretty sure you know the source of it. How stupid do you think I am? Do you think that I'm going to sit there and go, "Hmmm, that's a good question, I really have no idea what that smell is or where it came from. Maybe it was me?" Admit your guilt and we can get on with our lives. Until then, I will never trust you again, you smelly little liar" I Hate You!
-Reader Sydney B. really hates: girls that bring their designer bags to the gym. You know who I am talking about, those bitches that won't let their precious Prada out of sight for more than 20 minutes at a time. Screw you, you anorexic money loving wench! Yes, everyone sees that your daddy makes enough money to by his little muffin anything she wants. Well if daddy has so much money, why doesn't he buy you some fucking fashion advice. Sweat pants and Louis Vuitton don't match! So next time you go to work out, toting your precious waste of money, remember, I hate you!
-Reader Jonathan D. really hates: The 8 Year Old Who Thinks He's A Thug: You may not have pubes yet, but you got your cornrows and your wife beater all ready to go. When I'm walking my dog, all the other kids my age on the street pet it like little kids should, but you pretend to backhand bitch slap it cuz you're a hardcore gangsta. Well guess what? You're 8. I'm 15 times your size, and I'll kick your ass ghetto-style if you lay a finger on my dog. You got plenty of years ahead of you to steal cars, sell crack rocks, and shoot people but for now, you should go watch some fucking Teletubbies and then play Hopscotch or some shit. Just remember, in about 15 years you'll be surviving off of my tax money in jail .I hate you!
-Reader Adam H. really hates: Juice-Monkey Ex-Boyfriends. Yes, we all know you are a monster. Your terry-cloth jump-suit makes you look studly. The gold Precidia you drive must be a babe-magnet. With the obvious discomfort you're in every time you sit down, you've either on steriods, or living up to the shit I call you behind your back. Yes, your ex-girlfriend is now wanting to spend her time with me. How does YOU wanting to "Curb-stomp" my "faggotty ass", make your ex not want to go home with me again tonight? How is that going to put you in a good light? Fucking Idiot. Go to school. You're 25, work for peanuts, and live at home. You're destined for a McJob. Get some anger-management classes and a life fucking twat. I HATE YOU!!!
-Reader Missy really hates: Those fucking fags who think they are still soooooo fucking cool because they were mr. fucking popular in high school. Hey, I have news for you buddy, you graduated three years ago! No one gives a flying fuck if you were prom king or that you were voted best looking of your senior class anymore. Oh what? You were a pimp right? Hey doucebag I don't know if you've noticed but it doesn't take much skill to pick up fifteen year olds these days. All you gotta do is show them that you have a valid fucking drivers license! But the saddest thing out of all of this is that those fifteen year olds are the only girls you can still pick up and that valid driver's license is about the only fucking thing you have going for you! Get over yourself you FAG!
I HATE YOU!
*(Author's Note: How does this Missy know so much about how to pick up 15 year-old girls" but more importantly, how come Missy has not let me in on the secrets?)
-My ex-girlfriend Julia, really hates: The people who signal to pass to either lane and fail to turn their signals off for about 1/2 hour really fucking suck! A couple of my friends actually move in front of these assholes and keep their blinker on in hopes that they may get the hint and turn theirs off, however, they do not. HEY ASSHOLE, THE PURPOSE OF SIGNALING IS ONLY MEANT TO BE TEMPORARY , SO TO ALL YOU OLD FUCKS OUT THERE, TURN THEM OFF WHEN YOU FUCKING CHANGE LANES, IT DOESN'T TAKE 10 MILES TO REALIZE YOU STILL LEFT IT ON. I HATE YOU!
-Reader Jordan R. really hates: The guy that when you're playing a game or sport, he sucks really really bad, but he just says he's having an off day and then you play with him again he still sucks. Then, you'll play 5 games 5 different days with him and yet he still sucks but he claims to be having a bad day. I'm sure we all know someone like this. They always brag about how good they are at a game or sport or whatever and then when you play with them they suck. You can have one bad day but not five fucking bad days in a row! Grow some balls and just admit that you suck!! I HATE YOU!!
-Reader Josh G. really hate: BadAss Car Alarm Guy: This fuck-head brags about his ultra expensive stereo system he put in his pile of trash ride and then because of this system he is forced to install a 9000 decibel car alarm to protect this shit. NEWS for you a car alarm doesn't do a damn bit of good when you don't respond to it at 4 fucking 30 Wednesday morning of finals week. Get a clue asswipe I hate you.
-Reader Lisa C. really hates: the "I'm So Fat" chick. At least half of all girls do this. They're always commenting on how fat they are or how they should lose weight. It's ironic, though, because most of them usually aren't that fat. Why do they do this? Fishing for compliments, perhaps? What the fuck do you want me to say? "Oh, Tiff, you are SO not fat you look so skinny in those jeans!" Well, forget it, bitch, you're not getting any sympathy or compliments from me! Shut the fuck up and go starve yourself or go binge and puke it up, I don't really care, just leave me alone! Or, God forbid, do something to lose weight and get up off your fat ass and go for a run maybe then you won't think look like a heffer because you'll be happy with yourself. I hate you!
-Lisa also hates: The Conversation-Butter There's nothing more obnoxious than someone coming up to you asking, "What are you guys talking about?" during the middle of a conversation. Even worse, perhaps, are the people who eavesdrop on a conversation and interrupt you to inquire, "Wait who did that?!" Stop it, you worthless fuck! If I were talking to you, you'd know it! Don't listen to my friggin conversations, but if you feel the need to, don't fucking interrupt me! I hate you!
-Reader Jaclyn really hates: The F-ing Food- Fibber : Ok we all know someone like this, its that girl who is skinnier than a starving child in Bulgaria , yet she always claims that she eats SOO much . Stop lying you piece of shit annorexic- if you eat so much how come when everyone else is chowin down on Papa Johns like they are about to stop making 'em you eat one bite and shockingly say "oh I'm full". Bull shit you aren't full, last time I checked we are all in college and no one gets filled up from one damn bite !!! so stop Freakin pretending to be a heffer and just admit that Calista Flockhart is your #1 Idol !!!
-Reader Sean T. really hates: That one white guy in class "who-has-no-rhythm" sits there in hats, and bleaches his top of the hair blonde. Okay you pale hasty mother fucker, you don't have to tell us that your white and have no rhythm, in fact not all white people lack rhythm it's a fucking stereotype. Plus why the hell are you so proud about it???? Why do you scream with joy "I'm white and have no rhythm" nobody needs to know that asshole, and don't put your race down. Be proud of what you are, and by telling that you have many black friends doesn't mean that your not racist, you little racist fucker, the reason you have black friends is because you think its cool, and your Ecko sweatshirt doesn't make you urban you piece of shit. By using black people to give you social status is being racist, now take of your hat, shave your head off and show us that your not blonde, your burnet piece of shit that lacks rhythm. Just shut the fuck up, and don't say anything, and don't try to be sympathetic towards race issue in the United States" I Hate You!
*(Author's Note: White people are not allowed to be proud of their race" that makes them racist funny how that works, isn't it?)
-Reader Diana really hates: bigger girls who wear their clothes many sizes too small. I'm tiny, and when I go shopping and there's only medium and larges left I just know that I'm going to see some fat ass chick wearing the shirt that I wanted, and her chubby gut will be hanging out of it. Girls that think flab is sexy piss me off. Lose some weight and wear your own goddamn size!
-Finally, Reader Cale K. really hates: Attention Sluts "Hey girlfriend! Get out! Get the fuck out!" and then they go up and give the other girl a hug even though they just saw each other earlier that day! Grow a fucking brain bitch! Everyone else at the party knows that your just screaming that to get attention so you think you look cool, and so everyone else says "No, how bout YOU get the fuck out!" Quit making yourself look like a total moron and say hello just like everyone else does you senseless whores! Get the fucking clue that not everyone at the party wants to that your saying hi to your girlfriend, so shut the fuck up I HATE YOU!
-That's it for now, but join us next week when the famous Hate List will be in its 12th edition. Hey, if it was person, it would just be learning how to masturbate! Thanks to all of you who submitted and keep the hate coming my way at firstname.lastname@example.org.