*Patrick is a 14 year-old Freshman in High School at Pinevail High. In this column, he weighs in on tough issues confronting the planet as only a pissy 14 year-old wannabe punk can.
Soaring Gas Prices
Sup, I'm Patrick but my bros call me P-Dizzle. Yo, sup with gas prices and whatever? It's so gay that you have to, like, mortgage your kid just to fill up your car and shit. I don't have a car yet but my uncle Toby said he'd give me his El Camino when I turn 16, so that's pretty rad.
It so, like, reflexative of our economy that gas costs so much. Like, other things cost a lot too. I go to this arcade called Pips and you used to be able to get 20 tokens for five bucks, but now it costs eight bucks. I was like, "yo, this place is so gay now," to my friend Chad. So now we go to Fun Bros. in the mall instead. But it's just like gas cuz soon Fun Bros. is gonna raise their prices and I'll have to game at home, which is so gay because my dad is a total fag about gaming. I'm like, "Dad, it's way of life," and shit, but he doesn't listen cuz he's all corporate and shit" I'm fuckin indie HARDCORE!
But back to gas and shit. It's just like Avril says, she's with a Sk8er Boi, which is phat cuz I skate and she's soooooooo hot. Dude, if we all sk8ed instead of driving then there'd be, like, no need for gas. But everyone is way too corporate to get on a board and rip. Not me though" I'm fuckin hardcore as shit!
Oh, and it's so gay how Bush is, like, fuckin with the middle Arab world and shit. I wanna be, like, "Yo Bush, dude, quit being a dick and shit." He's just like my older bro Steve. He's always messing my shit up and giving me wedgies and punching me to impress his girlfriend, Jen. Have you ever seen Jen, she's so totally bunk it's not even funny. Dude, I could get way better girls than that. My last girlfriend was this chick Suzy who I was really serious with for three weeks. Dude, she almost touched my dong one time. But then I was like, "Yo, this chick is going for my dong, she must be a slut." So I dumped her. Yeah, we were in love, but whatever.
I just get so pissed off "'bout this gas thing sometimes that I think about killing myself. Dude, the world is a dark place and I don't see it getting any brighter anytime soon. One time I almost bought some aspirin that I was gonna OD on, but then I didn't have any money. That's why I wear black all the time, it's like to protest this gas thing or something" I dunno" give me attention. It's like, I'm so messed up in my head right now that I, like, turn to drugs for support. I've been smoking, like, 10 cigarettes a day and I had a beer at my friend's house last weekend" It's getting out of control.
But whatever, I party like a rockst*r but that doesn't mean I don't care "'bout gas prices. Even though I don't have my learner's permit yet, it's affecting my life too. Like, the other day, I was like, "Mom, me and Chad wanna go see "Troy" at the multi-plex." But ma-dukes was all, "The Explorer is almost on empty, you'll have to wait for your father to get home so I can get the gas card." I was like WHAT? Shit man, this gas thing is making my life a living hell, dude. I don't know how much more I can take before I'm just gonna be like, "fuck it all, I'm moving to Colorado so I can skate and rip whenever I want!" For real, dude, for real.
"Patrick On World Issues" is a collegehumor exclusive but will be available for syndication purposes this coming October.