Scenario: It's four AM and you're at home with some friends after a long night of drinking. No more bars are open and all the liquor in the house was drunk by "Beandog," your oversized and under-loved frat brother. You all crowd around the living room brainstorming ideas for the few remaining hours of darkness left in the morning. What do you do?

Inevitably, someone will say those magic words" "Hey (your name), would you rather" " And with that simple little phrase the gateway to hours of entertainment has been opened.

Say what you want about beirut, asshole, or any other drinking game played at college and some of the more daring middle school parties, but Would You Rather, or WYR as I will refer to it, is king. Not only will you see the true depths or perversion, bad taste and depravity your friends will sink to in order to stump you, but you will find out that there is a little pervert living within you. Plus, nary is there a more competitive game on the scene. If someone comes up with a truly impossible scenario, he or she will be hailed for their insight. That, in turn, will set your mind spinning with thoughts about how you too could have some of that glory.

To those of you, those poor few, who have never played this incredible game, I will outline the rules as if I were a British person. The sport of WYR is a simple, yet delightfully intriguing way to knock about a few saucy hours after the pubs have all shut and all the birds have gone to their flats. Simply, gather a few blokes, sit on the sofa and present each other with increasingly difficult scenarios of which all must begin with the intonation, "Would you rather." You, the executor, are victorious if the contestant is stumped.

Now, I have been playing this game for longer than I can remember and, in that time, I have accumulated some of the best WYR questions out there. Some I thought of myself, some were posed to me. So, next time you find yourself sitting around with nothing to do, why don't say to your friends"

Would you rather"
*Smell like a fart all the time or drink a diarrhea milkshake (with 1%)?
*A bell go off every time you got a boner or never shower again?
*Have everything taste like boogers or have one eye?
*Kiss a dirty bum every morning right after you brush your teeth or know when you are going to die?
*Be invisible or be limitlessly rich?
*Fart every time you yawn or yawn every time you try to talk?
*Throw up every time you have an orgasm or have your genitals taste and smell like rotten eggs?
*Never taste anything again or just taste one thing all day long, forever?
*Be a pirate or a dinosaur?
*Have to tell all your neighbors you're a sex offender or walk around with a vibrator up your ass for a week (no, you can't turn it off)?
*Eat a dead squirrel or a live cow? (both uncooked)
*Change your name to Jeffrey Dahmer or Osama Bin Laden?
*Have to sit in every chair you see or pee your pants every time someone says your name?
*Have someone take a picture of you every time you take a shit and put it on the net or be cold all for the rest of your life?
*Have the flu forever or the chickenpox forever just on you chest?
*Fall down when ever you blink or have a permanent stubbed toe?
*Smell like a poop and know it or not know it?

And finally, the king of all WYRs, the one that cannot be answered or rationalized or justified in any way; would you rather" .
*Hook up with your Mom or your Dad?

Of course, your friends will try to get you to compromise on your WYRs, but hold firm. Never give them an inch of ground or the WYRs are useless. Watch your friends squirm as they imagine life with a permanent stubbed toe or genitals that smell like rotten eggs. But, you must not lose yourself in this game for, when played for too long, you cannot sleep because you'll keep thinking of WYRs. Please, play this game responsibility and never say anything like, "would you rather bring your mom or your dad back from the grave?" to a kid whose parents just died in a car accident" or, "Would you rather have your skin back or your hair back?" to someone who just got severely burned in a structure fire.

So, I leave you with this to ponder; would you rather wake up to me everyday or kill yourself with a saw? Now there's a hard one.


Hey, if you have a good WYR, send it to me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and see if you can stump me!