6:00 AM Wakes up in the Lincoln bedroom, stretches, looks himself in the mirror, and says "You got this, buddy."
6:02 AM Prays.
6:03 AM Brushes his presidential teeth with presidential toothpaste. Flosses. Thinks about war.
6:05 AM Plays with Bo.
6:07 AM Plays with Joe Biden.
6:30 AM Does some cardio in the White House gym. Then resistance training (low weight, high reps for toning). Remembers how much life he has the power to end at any given moment.
7:15 AM Showers, grooms, makes sure he is presentable for the entire world. Asks Michelle if he looks cute today.
7:45 AM Gets a folder from the Secret Service packed with highly classified information about wars and terrorism and celebrities hooking up.
8:00 AM Eats a delicious organic, artisanal breakfast made especially for him. Reads the papers. Feels a little hurt by all the criticism. Takes it out on the crossword.
8:45 AM Talks shop with Bono.
9:30 AM Goes for a walk in the Rose Garden and mulls over the state of the Union as well as his place in history.
10:00 AM Meets Michelle at an elementary school in Champaign, Illinois to speak about the importance of eating vegetables.
10:45 AM Goes on "The View" to talk about the WNBA.
11:00 AM Balances the budget?
12:00 PM Prays.
12:15 PM Drops into favorite local burger shop in Fargo, North Dakota for a lunchtime photo-op.
1:00 PM Has tense meeting with Hu Jintao, the implications of which could lead to world war.
1:20 PM Looks out an Oval Office window and thinks really hard with his hands on his hips.
1:25 PM Shoots some hoops with George Clooney and Russell Simmons.
1:50 PM Meets with campaign staff to coordinate strategy for the hundreds of official branches as well as unprecedented grassroots efforts all across the country fighting for his reelection.
2:00 PM Prays.
2:15 PM Blasts "Power" by Kanye West on repeat and vetoes some bills. Laughs and shakes his head.
2:45 PM Surprises the troops in Afghanistan with a visit, sings along to Kelly Clarkson's performance.
2:50 PM Ignores weird text from Joe Biden.
3:15 PM Pets farm animals in the White House garden with schoolchildren.
3:50 PM Records a video of himself talking about the importance of creating jobs that 800 people will watch on YouTube.
4:30 PM Gives out medals to the Denver Nuggets.
5:00 PM Prays.
5:15 PM Phone date for some real talk with the Hilldawg.
5:50 PM Ignores same text from Joe Biden again.
6:00 PM Helps Sasha and Malia with their homework, enjoys lovely conversation with Michelle in moment of perfect, Hallmark Card-style family bliss.
6:20 PM Meets with defense team to decide who to kill that week.
7:00 PM Hosts State Dinner for Mexico.
7:20 PM Looks out at the crowd of people gathered there, and wonders what it's really all for this lavish gesture for a vague sense of international unity. Considers his role in the world, his sense of existential belonging, and whether he's really helping or hurting anyone in the grand scheme of things.
7:25 PM High-fives Stevie Wonder.
7:40 PM Ignores Mitt Romney on the way out.
8:00 PM Locks himself in the Lincoln bedroom for some much needed Netflix/alone time.
9:45 PM Gets ready for bed, puts on those presidential PJ's.
9:55 PM Texts Joe Biden back a one-word, dismissive response.
10:00 PM Prays.
10:10 PM Kisses his framed picture of Karl Marx goodnight.
10:15 PM Looks himself in the mirror and says, "As usual, one for the books, B. Ya nailed it."
10:30 PM Puts in his headphones, gets in bed next to Michelle, and bumps "It Was a Good Day" by Ice Cube.
3:42 AM Woken up by text from Joe Biden, goes back to sleep.