Patrick is a 14 year-old Freshman in High School at Pinevail High. In this column, he weighs in on tough issues confronting the planet as only a pissy 14 year-old wannabe punk can.

Radical Islamic Militants

Sup, dudes. Pat here, once again coming atcha live from ma-duke's basement on Crescent Ave. Yo, I was watching this totally hilarious show on Cartoon Network the other day when my dog, Duster, hit the clicker and the TV went to, like, CNN. At first, I was like, "Yo Duster dude, quit being a fag or whatever and put Spongebob back on." But then the chick on CNN was talking "'bout stuff that tweaked my shit like beheadings and killings.

I just wanna say to all the Arab dudes out there capturing people and cutting their heads off, you guys are fuckin dickheads. Like, when I get mad I just burn stuff in my backyard. This one time I burned my sister's cabbage patch doll and I was like, "Hells yeah, fuckin burn doll!" and I felt, like, ten billion million times better. It's like, why you gotta be cuttin' off people's heads and shit?

The CNN lady was talking "'bout some "holy war" or something and I was like "shit, that's a fuckin TIGHT band name." But it wasn't a band. She was blabbing "'bout why these fags cut people's heads off. She said they do it cuz America won't leave Iraq and I was like, "well, why did they did they invite us there in the first place then?" Dude, if I had a show on CNN, which would be fuckin' gay cuz I'm gonna host TRL one day, I would've called those dudes assfucks" no, wait" doucheclowns. Yeah, doucheclowns.

I don't get why people get so steamed "'bout religion and shit. I mean, my Mom makes me go to church and I don't like it but you don't see me kidnapping people, do you? Plus, there's this chick that goes to my church named Chrissy and she's hella-fly. She's in my CCD class and I wanna be like, "yo, let's drop this God shit and get fuckin' nasty." I'm gonna say that next week" I swear. It's like, take a chill pill "'bout God, dude. No need to be killing people over it.

Plus, these Is-lame-ic militants don't even follow what God says. Get a clue dudes, Jesus says that you shouldn't kill people cuz he got killed and he hates that. If you're gonna be so into God you should at least listen to what he says in the Bible. I don't know what kind of Christians these Is-lame-ic dudes are, but it's a lot different from the kind I am.

I dunno man, this world is shit. It's like, the only way I get through it is to just think about my music dude. I got a message. Like, the other day I wrote this song called "Hazel-R*O*C*K*S" which is about my town, Hazelrock. Ya know, it's just "'bout stuff my friends and I do when we're bored. It's a totally fuckin awesome song. And I wanna say to the dudes killing other dudes, just start a band. You guys already got a sick name. You could be on Ozzfest. I went to it with my Dad last year and it was SICK!

Aight, I gotta run cuz I've got this totally gay oral report on The Great Gatsby (or as I call it, The Great FAGSby) tomorrow in English that I haven't started yet. So, to all the militant Islamics, stop killing people on the internet cuz now when I search in Kazaa for my favorite band "Dead Behead" all I get is your stupid videos. Rock on, the Pat is out!

"Patrick On World Issues" is a collegehumor exclusive but will be available for syndication purposes this coming October.