Dear Stagnant Teams Clogging Up My League,
I have been playing fantasy baseball on and off since I was in 7th grade. It's a fun game it makes me follow baseball more closely, and I am a very competitive guy. It gives me something to cheer for in inconsequential games, and makes me appreciate just how ridiculously tough it must be to manage a major league team.
I had stopped playing all gambling related sports games when I started writing professionally. But then I left my job and came back to school and got challenged to an NCAA hoops bracket by my fraternity. And I beat the tar out of everyone.
Then they wanted to play fantasy baseball. So I said sure. It'd be fun. And it was we trash-talked like crazy and the race came down to the last day of the season when I lost by a single stolen base. So we played again last year. And though my team staged a valiant comeback from 4 season ending injuries, I finished a distant third.
This was supposed to be my year. I couldn't make the draft because I was working, but after a number of free agent steals, I was in great shape. Made a few trades and I was ready to go started out in last, and I climbed all the way into first for a few days, and have been fighting for the position ever since. But it's over now. Because of you selfish bastards.
Now that a few of my players have come back off of injuries, I have 3 extra outfielders I can't use. I have an extra first baseman. And the best two catchers in the league (I really only need one). I have two many starting pitchers and I'm going to max out my innings. And it's your damned fault.
The teams who need starting pitching and outfielders and first basemen and catchers have been stagnant the entire season. You registered, and you skipped town. You won't answer my e-mails. You won't even log in to check how many of your players have been on the DL since April. You are ruining this league.
I don't know why you started playing. Maybe you were bored. Maybe you've seen all the reruns of Star Trek. Maybe your dad, who you still live with after graduation, ripped up your Dungeons and Dragons book. Whatever the reason, something brought you into my fantasy baseball league. Now something needs to get you out.
I don't understand why you did this to me nay, to us. But rest assured, it will not be forgotten.
What joy do you get from ruining our fun? What brought you to that sign up screen, where you spent at least 30 seconds committing to play this game, only to back out because of commitments in the "real" world. Why would you passively destroy the one chance I had at coming in first?
It still may happen. Buehrle and Wakefield were finally solid this week. I traded Penny to one of the teams that cares. And if I have to keep a few sluggers on my bench, it's better than giving them to the other teams I'm fighting with. Those other three teams.
But you you do not get anything. You will not be allowed into the league next year, if we can even muster the enthusiasm to form one after this debacle. You will not even be allowed into the next NCAA pool, unless you pay your money up front because you can not be trusted.
We could have filled the last few slots in the league with other people. But the fun of Fantasy Baseball is being among friends. We should have never sent you that e-mail. Because now your team, laced with stars that should have been distributed amongst real fans, is clogging everything up.
You, sirs, need to get a life.
Steve Hofstetter is the author of Student Body Shots, which is available at www.SteveHofstetter.com. He can be e-mailed at firstname.lastname@example.org.