According to most hip hop videos I've seen, summertime is the perfect time to dance out on the street with your whole block. However, I'm going to assume that most people reading this don't live on a block and certainly don't dance there with all their friends. Hell, I bet a bunch of you can't even dance given the fact that I bet most of you are white.

Don't be ashamed, I can't dance either. When I hit the floor, I literally hit it" with my face. I have to be that drunk to even attempt dancing especially with a member of the opposite sex. Nothing, and I mean nothing, in this world is more openly laughed at than fat, white people dancing. That being the state if things, I choose to keep my booty the dance floor.

But don't give up hope yet. This is summer and musicians go on tour. Going to a concert is a perfect place to show everyone that you can dance at least a little bit. However, don't be so foolish as to try to perform the worm at a Tom Petty show. There is an appropriate time and music for every dance move and you are about to learn what they are.

Hip Hop Show: If you happen to be a white male and find yourself at a hip hop show, don't embarrass the rest of us by trying to emulate your black counterparts. They will always move better than you no matter how many steps you know. Let them gyrate and grind with all the attractive girls while you try this move; The Bob. The Bob is a simple dance which is most often seen at hip hop shows. Simply stand there, arms crossed and bob your head up and down to the beat. If you can't find the beat, look around to the other white people performing this move and follow them; at least one of them plays the drums. Every so often it is imperative to throw your hands in the air to show to everyone that, no you're not bored, you're just trying to keep a little dignity.

Jam Band Show: Break out the granola and hallucinogens, it's time to see some jam bands. If you attended Bonaroo or any Dave Matthews shows, you are certainly apt at The Twirl. The Twirl is done by lifting both your arms into the air and winding them around each other. With enough drugs, it appears that your arms are moving in and out of themselves. It's trippy dude. While doing this move, it is acceptable to spin around as well. And don't worry about any black people showing you up" there won't be any there.

Pop-Punk Show: I'm 15 and I'm pissed off at everything. What better way to channel your anger at your Dad for not letting you go to Tom's party than to attend a pop-punk show (see: Blink182, A New Found Glory, etc" ) The Skank used to be the preferred dance move at these shows but has since fell out of popularity because it was too complicated and not pissed enough. Enter The Fist Jump to fill its void. Simply stand in place, raise hand in fist, and jump up and down with the beat. If the beat eludes you, you'll have no choice but to find it because everyone else will be doing the same thing. To compliment this dance there are many verbal tools which can be yelled out such as "YEAHHHH", "WOOOOO" and "I HATE YOU DADDDDDD!"

Norah Jones Show: Step 1: Sit down. Step 2: Cross legs and arms. Step 3: Adjust tweed jacket and chinos to comfortable position. Step 4: Fiddle with black rimmed glasses. Step 5: Close eyes and nod to music. Step 6: Turn to English professor sitting next to you and say how it is so refreshing to see someone so talented and literate in the music industry. Step 7: Clap politely, pick up messenger bag, exit concert venue, write about how soothing the music was on your Blog.

Pop Princess Show: Join the 30,000 13 year-old girls on their way to see Jessica Simpson, Hillary Duff, or any of the other perky pop divas but remember to bring your pink tank top. Don't try any of your hot street moves here, the appropriate dance for these concerts is one known as The Reach. First seen among Elvis fans in the 50s, The Reach has been adopted by a whole new generation of kids. To do it right, lean up against the front railing while the singer is onstage and reach out to her with your hands. Crying is optional but encouraged. You want to show the singer how badly you want to be near her by straining all your arm muscles reaching towards her. Repeatedly screaming things like "JESSICA JESSICA!" or "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD" complete this easy to learn dance move.

Rolling Stones Show: Get the kids and the grandkids and the great-grandkids, it's time to teach them about what real rock n' roll sounds like. Stare in awe as Mick Jagger and his walker strut around the stage. Let yourself be amazed at how Keith Richards still continues to live. And then, when all the revering is done, cut loose with the Suburban Adult Clap-and-Sing Along. You can learn this dance simply watching your dad at a Stones show. He will stand and stare transfixed at the stage. He will sing every word sung by Jagger and he will clap. He might clap on beat, he might not. It doesn't matter. He will then tell you about how when he had a band back in the 60s, they used to cover this song. NOTE: Do not attempt this dance until you work in middle management, drive a sedan and have 1.2 acres outside the city.

Metal Show: Don't go.

Now get out there and show the world that you know how to shake that ass or, in your Mom's case, what's left of it.