Hello again and welcome to the fourteenth installment of the Famous Hate List. This week we see hate from coast to coast, north to south and even a little bit from Canada" maybe. Let the bad times roll!
*To contribute email email@example.com
The Noisy Neighbor: I'm no the quietest person in the world. In fact, some have described me as boisterous, irksome and downright loquacious. But I know when to shut up. Apparently, the people who live downstairs from me never got that memo. Now, I don't normally say this, but I feel kind of bad for the woman downstairs. She is a single mom raising what sounds like 163 kids. But that doesn't mean they have to hold door slamming contests at 1 AM. Lady, your kids are no older than 8" get them to bed. When I was 8 I got to stay up till 9 only on Saturday nights so I could watch SNICK. These little rascals stay up well into the morning watching TV at full volume then cry when the TV goes off. It's all I can do to not bang on my floor with a hammer. Please, please lady, shut your kids up" I Hate You (and your flock)
Conrad Conversation Cutter: You know, when I'm talking to a pretty girl I always wish someone would butt their ugly mug in and ask what we're talking about. Thank God for Conrad. This ass will always find me when I'm trying my best to explain to an attractive girl that a career in comedy is admirable and just jump right into the conversation. "What are you guys talking about?" he'll excitedly ask. We're not talking about you, you worthless chump. Go find your own girl to talk to, don't try to take mine away. I have enough trouble getting girls as it is without your face making mine look worse. Why don't you go try to get into a conversation between two hungry wolves" I Hate You!
Friggin Fraggin: Fuck. Shit. Ass. Goddamn. You see how easy that is? Now you try it! There is always one person in my life who refuses to swear. When that person is no longer in my life, someone will come and replace their "G.D." with a "Gosh darn." If they stub their toe they'll exclaim, "SHOOT" or "FUDGE." If they want to insult you, they'll call you a "A-hole" or a "Mother-F'er." Seriously guys, you're not fooling anyone. Speech is merely communication through formed sounds and emphasis. If you say "shoot" the same way everyone else says "shit" you're saying the same thing. The meaning is the same, only your 5 year-old brain thinks you've escaped some kind of sin because you have made your exclamation more acceptable to the FCC. Plus, if you went back 1000 years to ancient England and tried to talk to someone, there are only three words they would understand: Fart, Shit, and Fuck. You don't want to turn your back on history, do you? There is a reason those words and their meanings have remained unchanged for the last millennium; they're good words, they have staying power. So drop your self-importance and your high handed conscience and say a goddamned fucking swear" I Hate You!
Reader Isaac B. Really hates: The noisy weightroom Guy. Ok, so when I am working out, I am in my own universe. Adrenaline is pumping, I'm playing my own songs in my head because the shit they play in the gym is about as appeasing to the ears as Britney Spears with strepp throat. Anyways, minding my own business and trying to get a workout done, when suddenly some prick from half way across the room screams in agony. The sound is probably very similar to somebody losing an arm, so of course everybody in the building looses their train of though to have a look. But behold my fellow weight lifters, it is none other then Noisy weight room guy, on his last rep, and feeling the need to make it known to everybody within a four block radius. Okay. Lifting weights isn't THAT hard, it doesn't hurt THAT much, and NOBODY is going to applaud you because you made "Giving birth to a water melon" your sound of victory. Because the fact is everybody just saw me do what you just did with effortless ease. I fucking HATE YOU
(See: Isaac knows how to swear)
Reader Jamie F. really hates: The people that INSIST on going the exact speed limit even when there's not a lot of cars around and you're in a hurry. You're stuck behind them, when in fact if they would just move their asses out of your way, you could probably floor it and make it to where you need to be relatively on time. But instead, you're forced to drive 30 behind some 85 year old who can't even see over the steering wheel, with nothing to do but scream at them from your car and ride their ass, hoping they get the hint and speed up. But they don't, and you end up being late and pissed off all day. Thanks for making me late to work today asshole! I HATE YOU!!!!
Reader Ryan H. really hates: GDI's "Why would I want to be a part of something that restricts my thoughts? I hate frats. Now excuse me while I go methodically hate some other organized group." Get a fucking life! I swear if I invite one more person to a rush party only to be met with the response, "Oh, thanks, but I'm an independent thinker." I'm going to bludgeon their little free spirit with some heavy mining equipment. Apparently in the minds of GDIs, we breed of frat-guys are simply another form of the Borg used by a diabolical hive mind determined to overthrow the government. For future reference, wearing a polo shirt or going to a frat party does NOT denote conformity, so put a sock in it you fake-ass pseudo-intellectual-liberal I hate you.
(I don't know what a GDI is, but I'm sure this means something to someone)
Reader Chrissy W. really hates: The Overly Opinionated Moralist. Okay, I understand that you choose to adhere to a strict code of ethics. Honestly, that's probably admirable in some form that I haven't discovered yet. But don't assume for a second that just because you refuse to drink/smoke/have sex/look at porn/masturbate/curse/do anything fun at all that I'll immediately stop doing so just because you disapprove. Good morning, assfuck; this is college. Ethics aren't supposed to exist until after we graduate. Go join a damn Puritan colony if all you want to do is talk about how your "values" make you so high and mighty that your shit doesn't stink. Quit lecturing me on how I'm ruining my life and trying to shove your bullshit lifestyle down my throat. I don't tell you how to live your life; stay out of mine. I HATE YOU.
Chrissy also hates: The person who lives every minute as though it were Karaoke Night. Now it doesn't make a difference to me how much this song means to you or how beautiful you think your voice may be. You could sing like Janis fucking Joplin and I still wouldn't care; save your singing for bars full of drunk people who are too busy puking or trying to pick up ugly chicks to notice the drone that is your singing. Variants include: people who know every other word or so in the song and nothing else. Even if you did know all the words, I'd still hate you. And don't forget the guy/girl who tries to rap even though he/she has no talent. I don't care how ghetto you think you are; being "ghetto" does not automatically equate to rapping ability. Karaoke wannabes who don't know when to quit serenading the innocent people who aren't fortunate enough to be deaf, I HATE YOU.
And the award for most hateful and also most graphic goes to"
Reader Kevin L. really hates: the "my boyfriend" girls. These bitches have to inject "my boyfriend" or their boyfriend's name in every sentence, just to be crystal clear that they are dating someone. This girl always happens to be among those who you would lean to your friend and ask "how many beers would it require to throw your dogs in that bathtub?" and they would reply "That bitch?? too fuckin' many." We aren't hitting on you. Honest. You're nasty. We don't care you have a boyfriend, we don't care his name is Dennis. If you break up with him, we won't hit on you then either you puss-secreting vaginal scab. You fuckin' suck" and I hate you.
Kevin also hates: the "Her Boyfriend" guy. This is the jacked-up ass-clown who you don't know, comes to your party with the friend of the friend of the girl from your management class, and introduces himself roughly as "her boyfriend" and then tries to break your hand when he shakes it/squeezes it. I don't even remember your ugly ass girlfriend's name, now you think everyone is going after her, so you need to piss on her leg to mark your territory like a fuckin' wolf and scare off all "would-be pursuers" with your incredible death hand-grip. Look around Asshole, your girlfriend is the ugliest girl in the room, nobody is hitting on her, and she spends so much time with you that most people here don't even know her. This jackass is also the asshole that goes out in public (especially the gym" WHY???) with his girlfriend holding her hand and giving guys dirty looks as if they are going for his girl" Mr. "I'm her boyfriend" I hate you" . Consequently I could kick your ass, could take your ugly caja from you, but I won't" because I am intimidated by the "death grip?" No, because she sucks and so do you. Again, I hate you.
Finally, Kevin also hates: the "my upperclassman sibling" freshman/sophomore. They have a senior sibling that gets them into all the senior parties and they carry on and on about how fuckin' great it was, and how cool they are and how what senior guy they were talking to at Tommy's party. "Oh you don't know Tommy???" No fuckass" I don't know Tommy" maybe because I don't have a sister that Tommy is currently donkey-punching every night so Tommy doesn't give a fuck about me, much as I don't give a fuck about Tommy. Have a good time next year when your sibling graduates and you realize how much you suck and how much we all hate you. To bad your only friends in your year are people that use you to get into upperclassmen's parties. I Hate You!
That's it for this week and remember, if you would like to add your own hate to the Famous Hate List email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and see if you make the cut. Oh, and if you do want to submit, please capitalize your "i's", I'm going insane changing them. Maybe I'll do an entry on that.