Excuse me, could you spare a moment of your time. Great! I just wanted to tell you about this amazing new emotion that's taking over America. It's called hate and it's really great. Try it yourself for free. All you have to do is read this little article here and you'll get the gist of it. Welcome to the 15th edition of The Famous Hate List.
If you would like everyone to know you're a hate-filled jerk, submit at email@example.com and become the asshole everyone already knew you were.
MINE: (All of mine will be driving themed today for some reason)
Baby on Board: I wonder if there were some kind of adhesive symbol that would allow me to drive like a total douchebag" Oh my God, I think I figured it out" I'll just stick a baby on board sticker in the back window! By simply applying this little sticker these people feel that they can drive however they see fit: cutting you off, taking turns without signaling, and braking for no reason. But you're not going to beep at them or hit them, are you? No, you're not because they have an infant riding in the backseat and no matter how badly they may be driving you will go to jail because you endangered that helpless baby. Hell, I might just get one for my car so I can run red lights and stop in the middle of intersections. When the cops finally get me I'll just say, "Hey! You guys need to turn those sirens off, you're going to wake my baby. Didn't you see the sticker?"" I Hate You!
Tough Love: Placing a bumper sticker on your car that reads "Proud parent of an honor roll student" is stupid but forgivable. At least these kids have accomplished something; even if it's only making marginally decent grades at a third rate public school. But this is not about those people" this is about the morons that put on bumper stickers that read, "My kid beat up your honor student." Wow, what an accomplishment. You must be so proud of your kid, Cletus. Since when is having a stupid bully for a kid an accomplishment? Great job on that one, looks like all that Jack Daniels your wife drank when she was pregnant finally paid off! Plus, I refuse to believe that anyone sporting this sticker on their car has it there for irony since anyone who would affix such a stupid bumper sticker clearly does not comprehend irony in the slightest bit. You and your son can have a great time when you get to visit him every other month in prison, you dirtbag" I Hate You!
Singing Sarah: I do not have a good singing voice. But when I ride in my car I transform into a melodic genius, thrilling myself with my ability to hit the upper registers and effortlessly glide through all but the fastest of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez's raps. However, I do not share this with the world. When I perform these great vocal feats, I roll my windows up and make sure no one can see my mouth. But not Singing Sarah. She keeps all the windows down while she belts out the latest Hillary Duff single at a stop light, This tone deaf diva forces everyone else sitting at the light to suffer through her unique version of "Heaven is a Place on Earth." She will always sing louder than her stereo and will always be oblivious to the fact that 30 people are watching her. To sass it up a bit, she might even tap (off beat) on her steering wheel or do that little driving dance where you sway back and forth and look like one of those clown punching bags that refuse to stay down. Just SHUT UP and keep your shitty singing to yourself because I can guarantee that you're the only one who enjoys it, you dumb bitch" I Hate You!
YOURS: (Only some driving themed)
Reader Andrea the Alaskan really hates: those people who don't seem to know how to read a fucking map! No Alaska is not an island! We are not right next to Hawaii off of the coast of California. I have never kicked a penguin, why you may ask? BECAUSE THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING WORLD! "haha do you guys live in igloo's!?" yes you moronic fuck..and my igloo has internet access How fucking stupid can people be? That just proves that people seriously need to put down the beer bong and pick up a book or an atlas. I have never ridden a polar bear. Nor will I ever come within a 300 foot radius of one, I'm not a dumb fuck like the rest of the population that WOULD pet a fucking bear" what's wrong with you? Are you permanently fried? Did someone drop you on your head? Use some fucking common sense you fuck You may laugh at me when I get pissed off when you call it a "snow mobile" (ITS A GODDAMNED BLOODY SNOWMACHINE) but Ill laugh at your broke-ass when your needing money, because my state pays for me to live here (Its called a PFD) so while your taking up my time with your breath I get paid to breathe so the next time you think its funny to ask if I eat a klondike bar or why I'm not wearing a parka just because I'm from Alaska Ill laugh as I wave my check for 2,000 I got for abso-fucking-lutely nothing! I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU!
Reader Traci really hates: The "I am poor therefore more legit" girl. She's always there, work, school, parties everywhere, it's fucking ridiculous. When it is 10:00 at night and i am cleaning up after menopausal women at a retail store where I work solely to appease my parents I want to leave just as badly as you, but when you come to me half crying and say "I really really have to go because I share a car with my parents who are out job-searching at Target and my crack addict brother and my 8 cousins and my pregnant fucking dog and I need to go to my second job wiping rich people's asses" I have no sympathy for you, I want to leave work too you moron douchebag, and frankly, my well-endowed excuses are just as fucking legit as yours, don't patronize me because I have an SUV and am late to a party at my friend's private beach and I need to pick up some beluga caviar and Gray Goose before I go there. Fuck you and quit whining because you got the shit end of life being born into a blue collar family, in fact, I will pay you to do so! Now go pick up a hearty value meal at Taco Bell and take a note from the "help" ( your mom), I HATE YOU
Reader Jason B. really hates: The inept shotgun-caller: this is the guy that always calls shotgun and his success in doing so seems to have gone to his head for some reason. He starts calling shotgun before everyone even sets foot in the parking lot, and by mid-semester appears to feel entitled to this seemingly coveted passenger seat. But what makes him a total fucktard is in not knowing directions at all. When you're asking the guy riding bitch how to read the fucking map you're just a complete waste of space and is all the more reason why I hate you!
Reader Isaac B. really hates: The "Music Expert". Everybody has different tastes in music. And when I turn on the stereo in my car, I don't care to hear how you think this band sold out. Sold out to what? They do this for money. It's a living. Why the hell wouldn't they take the bigger paycheck? And I'm sure they really care how angry you are that they no longer write their hit songs on the back of a pizza box. And another thing; Since when did you become the expert on good music. Music is about tastes. I like one thing, you like another. You don't need to talk shit. Certain people identify with certain things. The CD in my stereo doesn't suck, you suck. I like them. I don't care if anybody else likes them. And I sure as hell don't care if you like them. I hate you!
Reader Mario R. really hates: The freshman roommate: This guy was a waste of human life. He never goes to class, asks me to takes his notes while he sleeps. This is the fucker that smokes weed and drinks all day instead of human interaction. This is that asshole that masturbates on my futon when he thinks I'm asleep. Why are you even in college when you'll end up flunking out and get some piece of trailer trash pregnant? I fucking hate you! (NOTE: Apparently, this person's name is Robert)
Mario also hates: The Roommate's Girlfriend: This is the bitch who makes it her priority to make your room hell. She's always there when her useless boyfriend isn't eating your food, watching your TV, and is in dire need of a Summer's Eve douche. No, bitch, you can't stay in Robert's bed while he's gone. OH, did I wake you up with my music? Get the fuck out of my room, you useless sack of STDs! I Hate You! (NOTE: This is probably about Robert's girlfriend whom I will name Martha)
Reader Keenan W. (Not from Keenan and Kel) really hates: The overpaid athlete: Yes, you entertain us. Yes, you have a very physically-taxing job, but you make a SHITLOAD of money in return for that. Anybody remember Patrick Ewing's immortal words during the NBA lockout? To paraphrase him (and enrage you all): "What you people don't understand is that, while we make a lot of money, we SPEND a lot of money, too." Listen up you little motherfucker: people work a shitload harder than you to support their whiny-needy children, and barely make ends meet. Hop on Shaq's dubbed-up golf cart worth more than my life, and both of you can ride straight up my poor ass I hate you!
A Reader known only as Flyboy Steve really hates: I hate: The 101 Know-It-All
This cockmonger is the guy in an entry level class that feels that it's his job to raise his hand dutifully after every statement the professor makes. It's great to participate in class and all, but shooting off your mouth at every rhetorical question the teacher asks is just begging for a sound ass-kicking. This guy is usually a Hollister-wearing yuppie with a courier bag and Buddy Holly glasses and thinks that just because his parents could afford to send him to prep school he automatically knows more than everyone else in class. No, dong face, it's just that you're the only one that thinks that sucking up will make you any less of a tool. Nobody's impressed that you know what the Battle of Bunker Hill was when you're sitting in a basic American history class. As long as you had a pulse in high school you've learned this stuff. So keep on leaning back in your chair, raising a few fingers thoughtfully, and answering basic common knowledge questions like a fucking sage; I'll be sure to listen in awe while you explain to the class exactly who Lincoln was, you condescending, self-righteous prick everybody knows, we're just not pompous, kiss ass nancy-boys like yourself. Quit sponging off your parents and get a job like everyone else! I Hate You! (NOTE: Animosity)
Reader Joe N. really hates: the "public service announcement girl." She's the one who always seems to walk buy while I'm outside having a smoke and never fails to tell me that it's bad for me. Thank you. I can't read the surgeon general warning that takes up half the space on every fucking pack I buy. I barely even know you, why are you so concerned about my health. She also always tells me that she could never be attracted to a guy who smoked. Good, you fucking prissy, shit eating, ugly horse cunt. I don't want someone like you to be attracted to me anyway. If you really hate smoking so much, just stay the fuck away from me, you little dyke. I get enough of the "quit smoking" lectures from my mom. When I'm at college I don't need some troll whose friend was in my Spanish class taking her place. I hope you get cancer from my second-hand smoke and die because . I HATE YOU!
Reader Chris T. really hates: Money Grubbing Gary: The guy at the office or the friend who is always "a little short on cash". He'll send you an email asking if you can lend him some money "just 'til next pay day". Umm" we just got paid yesterday pal. He's also adept at saving money at everyone else's expense: "Oh shit.. I left my wallet in the car.. Can you spot me? I'll get you back next time". But God forbid you ever ask if you can borrow money him or worse Ask him for the money he owes you. He'll turn it around on your sorry ass so fast by the time he's done giving you the once-over, he'll have borrowed your last 20 dollars and made you pay for the pizza he just had delivered. Listen up you shameless sperm gurgling douchebag, get your money situation sorted out. Get a job, budget, stop buying crack, sell your ass on the street for some extra pocket money do whatever you need to do, but leave me the fuck alone I HATE YOU!
Finally, Reader Mike from a school in the city where I was born (New Haven) really hates: The text messenger: This fucking bitch has to sit through an entire class and text message one of her lame friends. What's the fucking point? Your shallow fucking life can't wait an extra hour and twenty minutes when you can actually call the person and talk like a normal human being? Instead, lets spend ten minutes typing in one response, probably something along the lines of "da par t wuz awsum" or "C U lata blah blah I'm a fucking whore" why even go to class if your gonna (poorly) hide your cell phone under the desk and not listen to the professor? I hope you fall into a volcano you fucking bitch. Oh, I think your getting a text message, it says I H8 U.
That wuz sum gr8 h8. If U wanna send sum H8 2 me, email firstname.lastname@example.org and check back next week. Have a Gr8 day!