It is a common consensus among many college females that the only thing "us" college males think about, is sex, this notion is very incorrect. I am here to include masturbation (to internet porn-obviously) into the discussion of intense college male obsession.  Sex is great because of many various reasons, a female being the main one, however in the brain of males, me, masturbation ranks far ahead and I would like to convey to you why…

It is not uncommon to hear this [wishful and completely untrue] statement come out of a male dorm room at around 11:45 PM, “let’s go guys, I’m ready to go get laid.” This declaration has several flaws.  The first and foremost flaw is that the speaker is undoubtedly a college male and thus, is an idiot. Most college males seem to forget that they have gone in pursuit of “getting some” for approximately forever and are slumping like A-Rod on his period. Most/all Guys lack the very important ingredient to a Sexual Encounter, a girl (and by girl, really I mean a mountable vagina). However, contrary to the lack of the punani, a college male does indeed have a hand- who knows him well and will not ditch him for the pink shirt wearing, cosmo drinking, pussy of a frat boy (no disrespect to anyone in a frat). So when the night is ending and the male in question has exhausted all options, including the girl from chemistry class known for being incredibly easy yet very tragically diseased (who passed him up for the gay theatre orgy), he knows he has a perfectly viable and satisfying option, his right hand (which is true unless you are unfortunately a lefty and are then stuck using your left hand). In addendum to the last point, when you return to your homely abode (to beat off obviously), you have your choice of fantasizing about Lindsey Lohan…. or not Lindsey Lohan if are sane.  You can contract a VD just by thinking about her (I heard that was true, really there's no basis of truth there. I haven't checked my sources). The moral is, sometimes fantasy trumps reality; especially when the reality is, you have the same chances of picking up a girl as Dick Cheney at a GLAD convention.

No Question of Relationship Status:
No matter the amount of times that a college male “hooks up” with his hand, there is no question relationship status, no whiny/pleading of “making it official”, no request of “Complicated” or “An Open Relationship” on Facebook, and certainly no meeting parents (your hand's parents are yours as well, coincidental I would say). Your right (or again, it can possibly be your left) hand never asks you to go out to dinner or the movies or any other awkward/desperate dates. Lucky for you, the college male, your hand will not and cannot cling (except for the fact that it is physically attached to your body! haha corny joke sorry). The same cannot be said if you “bump uglies” with a needy, desperate college girl who has put on the freshmen 15, the sophomore 25, and the junior 35, and to top it off, was previous to you, a virgin, not to mention the fact that you got her pregnant while also giving her the clap. She’ll be expecting child support because you are now a babydaddy. My solution again is masturbation. By masturbating not only do you avoid awkward meetings in future classes but it also makes steering clear of being a father far easier. I’m not here to preach abstinence, but seriously girls in college are sluts (NIIIICE!), look at your penis: could you imagine an open sore (NOT NIIICE?) because that certainly wouldn’t get you laid.


Sure, my main man, sex feels great, or even amazing (wait it does?!). It's deceptively amazing sensations are caused because you are having sex with a woman instead of an electric sander. However, there are several things that your hand can offer that a 54 year-old Puerto Rican truck stop prostitute cannot. When removing your pants to place on a contraceptive device (please if you're reading this, you are not supposed to be reproducing, so do wear a condom) what does your newfound sexual partner do? She laughs at your feeble attempt at a penis. Does your hand make any comments about length and/or width? No it does not! Your hand is understanding of your lack of size and corollary, your hand understands your issues with stamina as well [“I swear this never happens baby”]. When you reach climax with your hand at approximately 13 (give or take 13) seconds, it does not pass judgments. On the contrary, when you culminate by hand quickly, it is an achievement, something to brag about to your friends, or maybe just yourself if you have no friends. The final reason Masturbation is superior to Sex is that you have knowledge of what you like. And because you and your penis “go way back” you can easily give it to yourself.  Sloppy Sex no more, no cuddling is necessary!