The world of rock music entered a drastic recession on Tuesday of last week. Suspicions of a lack of vivacity in modern rock were confirmed when singer/bassist Geddy Lee of the legendary prog band Rush spoke at a press conference in front of thousands:

"It is time for me to make a statement. I think I speak on the behalf of everyone in Rush when I apologize for what has happened… we've officially used every last guitar riff in the world. I'm sorry. We didn't mean to."

The somber message cast a dark shadow over the world of rock music. Many aspiring young guitar players are now fearing for their careers.

"I almost dropped my guitar when I heard those words from Geddy's mouth. I think that somewhere, deep inside of me, I knew it was true, but I was fighting reality," says one Jon Kleinhans of the LA School of Music (known to his friends as Shrederick Tatum). "I mean, whoever thought that one day there'd be no riffs left? Ancient settlers used to gaze across this land in awe at the bounty of riffs that lay before them. And now they're all gone. Gone because of Prog rock. Evil, bastard, demented prog rock."

Groups like the RPA (Riffomental Protection Agency) have been striving for years to prevent this from happening.

"Riffs are a precious resource, and humanity [Rush] was just too greedy. This just proves that we're truly destroying our world. Riffs, like paper currency, are backed up by metal… this system has always worked, but what we didn't expect was that one band could have so much metal in them that the value of riffage would actually decrease."

Statistics show that metal is, in fact, awesome. Statistics also show that 96% of Rush is literally made out of metal, specifically a steel-titanium alloy. Which might or might not be chemically possible. They're just that great.

The Supreme Board of Awesome Riffs ran numerous tests in Washington, D.C., and declared to a horrified crowd that there was scientific proof that there are truly No Riffs Left. Representative Keith Richards had little to say on the subject: "Hemm" a-hemmahem" myrhh moghely moo… sebubbly bubbly bourbon heroin" "

And interpreter later translated: "This is truly a debacle. Wars will be fought over this. I want to mix bourbon and heroin."

This reporter remarks how sad it is that wars will be fought over such a once-thought common and necessary thing. We once hoped for a future when wars would solely be fought over more important things, like whether it's "play a catch" or "have a catch." [editor's note: It's "play catch"].

Albeit the national crisis, Nickelback still has no idea what riffs are.

The RPA has convinced the President of Everything to declare a worldwide State of Rock Emergency due to the shortage of riffs. This hasn't happened since 1973, when Led Zeppelin released Houses of the Holy – a rock album so incredible that the world broke. Jimmy Page later was able to fix the world just by giving it a cold, hard stare. This he did from the Astral Plane, because, as I said, the world was broken.

Hopefully something will come around that will make riffs once again plentiful for all humanity to share. Until then, this reporter has a talentless Jersey hardcore band to join.

And it's "play catch."