Bored? Why not jump in the car and head to Six Flags New England, located in beautiful Agawam, Massachusetts? I bet you could use a little relaxation and quality time with your family; You've earned it! Sure, there are lots of amusement parks out there, but let us tell you why Six Flags New England is the best of them all.
Typhoon Lagoon Water Park
It sure can get hot in the summer time. Luckily, Six Flags' Typhoon Lagoon is there to cool you off! Thanks to restorations this winter, Typhoon Lagoon is better than ever. We now offer a whopping 25 square feet of changing room space to be shared between our estimated 10,000 daily attendees. Nothing brings a family closer than trying to hide your genitals from your crazy uncle Saul. Plus, with our new "easy open" lockers, you can be sure to have a place for your things. Heck, even if you forget the combination to the lock, a quick pound on the door and it will open right up!
Once you're all changed, stop by one of our two wave pools to cool off. Enjoy the summer sun with fifteen thousand screaming kids and fat, middle aged moms as our wave makers generate swells up to 1 ½ feet high! Don't worry, you won't drown in these huge waves; we have a crack lifeguard staff made up of local stoners from area high schools who are trained to semi-frequently take a moment from their conversations to glance at the pool.
I bet those waves really tired you out! Take a tube ride down the "Lazy River" and let your cares drift away. The "Lazy River" is a half mile long, self propelled waterway which is treated to maintain the same temperature as human urine. With it's warm currents and slightly yellow color, the "Lazy River" is a perfect way to relax and prepare for"
THE WATER SLIDES!!!! No other theme park in America can boast as many potentially life-threatening water attractions as Typhoon Lagoon. For all you thrill seekers out there, try the "Hey, What's That Taste In My Mouth?" This 2000 foot thrill slide will propel you to speeds exceeding 80 Mph and bring you to an abrupt, slightly painful stop leaving you asking, "Hey, what's that taste in my mouth?" I can tell you, it's your bathing suit wedged so far up your ass you can actually taste it! Other popular water slides include the "There Goes My Top" and the "Skin-Burn" -The ride that pain built!
Typhoon Lagoon is the perfect way to cool off this summer with the family. And don't worry if you have toddlers; Typhoon Lagoon is equipped with a kiddy water park named "PeePee's Play Park" where younger children learn important water safety and bladder control techniquies!
I bet you're hungry. Why not head to"
The Food Court
Six Flags has taken every spare inch of park space and put up a food vendor's stand so that your kids will not only never be hungry, but never stop bugging you for food either. To make sure you can try all of our delicious treats, we confiscate any food or drink that you try to bring into the park and dump it on the ground in front of you. How about some chicken fingers? Only $13.99 and just $3 extra for fries. I don't think you can beat those prices. And thanks to a recent partnership with the Coca-Cola corporation, we now offer Dasani water for a mere $3 a bottle (plus tax). All of our food is high in protein and loaded with sugar to make sure your child has enough energy to scream, kick, and pester you to ride every single thing in the park. Even when you leave, the amount of sugar in his/her blood will keep him/her talking about the park for the whole drive home!
But I think we've all had enough food now; it's time for some"
Six Flags takes safety very seriously. In fact, when three people recently died on one of our roller coasters, we shut down the ride for almost half an hour. It is this same level of dedication to the customer that also makes our rides some of the best in the country. First, take a spin on "Batman; The Ride" and see what it is like to hold your breath for two minutes straight. Our chest restraints are so tight on your body, you won't have a choice! Experience the thrill of having your head slammed against the plastic head rests over and over again" just like batman!
Next, why not stop by the "Mind Eraser?" This thrill coaster will not only thrill you, but will also remind you of what you have eaten previously as it will inevitably end up all over your shirt. As an added bonus, this ride has no floor so you legs dangle free in the air. Feel your tendons rip as you fly through twists and spins and kiss that expensive knee surgery goodbye! Our staff are even on hand when you exit with fresh towels so that you may wipe away any leaking scar tissue!
Ever wonder what it feels like to be beaten by gang members? I thought so. Stop by the "Thunderbolt," Six Flags' vintage wooden roller coaster. Be jarred left and right and have your testicles crushed by the lap bar which will be forced down to its lowest position by our employees. Look and see which beams on this ancient wooden coaster have rotted out and been replaced by un-painted new ones! And don't forget to take a good long look around you before you ride, as you will certainly tear out all of your neck muscles and be incapable of peripheral head movement for quite some time!
But now, on to the biggest ride of them all, "Superman!" This gigantic roller coater answers the question, "I wonder what it would feel like to leap off a building to certain death?" With its 221 foot drop and blistering 80 Mph speed, the "Superman" coaster will have you trying to hide your shit stains for the rest of the day! Plus, we have conveniently built three miles of line space to assure that every one of the 83,000 riders an hour has a place to stand in the sun.
So why not come down to Six Flags New England and spend some time with our family? Ask about the Family Value Pass; only $875, it pays for itself in 300 visits! There is plenty of parking in our two lots each only 3 miles from the park and we make sure to let in every stray piece of white trash that comes drifting by. Hope to see you soon!*
The Staff of Six Flags New England
*Please do not attempt to ride the attractions if you are over 5 feet tall and/or weigh more than 112 Lbs, as you will definitely not fit. Thank you!